Ouroboros
by AstraGalactic
Summary: In 1889 Loki met Sherlock Holmes and was captivated by him but lost him to death.  More than a century later, he battles the Avengers, among them Tony Stark, Holmes's reincarnation - but will he remember and recognize him before it is too late?
1. Chapter 1

A/N:

1) I know I should be updating my other stories, something that **should be accomplished by tomorrow night**, but I just saw "Sherlock Holmes, a Game of Shadows" the other night (part of a family outing, yes, they are still here which is one reason why it's been hard to find time to write) and it was so amazing I just had to write this.

Of course, it is AU in that in AGOS Holmes survives his jump into the waterfall, and in my fic he does not (I mean after all, breathing device or no, his chance of survival with already a serious injury and the cold as well as the force of the water would have been practically zero) and for this I apologize since though I love a happy ending and would have been very upset if he had not survived in the movie, apparently for me the angsty 'what ifs' are addictive.

I also assume that Tony Stark is his reincarnation, so just to clarify this is in a different universe that my fic "Stark realizations."

2) IN THIS FIC - and only in this, italics show omniscient narration designed to set the scene/provide background.

3) In case anyone wants to know, Ouroboros is the symbol of a snake that devours its own tail, and for many cultures is a symbol of reincarnation and cyclical destiny, so though I can't say I get esoterica, it feels fitting.

4) I own nothing... as I usually forget to mention.

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_While visiting Midgard in 1889, Loki meets and is intrigued by the detective Sherlock Holmes, eventually developing feelings for the mortal, but complications arise when his attempts to assist the detective raise too much attention, and knowing that both what would be considered black-magic and homosexuality are punishable by death, he breaks ties with the detective and returns to Asgard never having acted on or admitted to his feelings for the mortal._

_In 1891 on Midgard, Holmes dies in a final confrontation with the scheming professor Moriarty, and Loki returns to Midgard for a short time to grieve the mortal._

It does not matter that he believes the deranged professor right in his assessment that a world war is inevitable given human nature, it does not matter that Loki cannot understand why the world was worth so much to the brilliant eccentric detective that he sacrificed his life to preserve the fragile doomed peace for just a little longer – or was it perhaps to a large extent ultimately to save the life of a friend who had done so much to push him away?

It does not even matter that as expected, a world war does break out just over two decades from Holmes's death ending the lives of tens of millions of people, and the next one is even more catastrophic …. None of it matters, because for all Loki thinks that the mortal's sacrifice was indeed in vain – that even if it prevented war for more than twenty years, the world was not worth that one fragile life, he knows that to Holmes it had been worth it.

With the mortal's brilliant mind, he had to have known that he could only postpone catastrophe with his sacrifice, that he could never save a world doomed to destroy itself, but even that small mercy – even that gift he had bought the world at the price of his own blood – was enough in his eyes to necessitate his actions.

So for all that Loki wants to wreak havoc on the tattered world, to end without mercy the lives for which the detective had given his – a paltry substitute for vengeance on the man who had tortured and ultimately in a sense killed Holmes, he holds back the wrath, pain and…. devastation burning within him and quietly sits by the icy black granite which is all that remains of his friend, too lost within the pain of missed possibilities and hidden truths to care about the few curious onlookers who stop to observe him, no doubt wondering who he is.

He remains on Midgard for another three weeks, learning all he can from those who had known the detective in his last days, he reads the words written by Watson, but finds himself more interested in what has not been written, so by night he lurks in the shadows, sifting through the memories of the sleeping man, and finding some bitter solace in the fact that for all his attempts to push the detective out of his life, he truly had cared for him….. but it hurts unbearably when he reaches that last memory – when he sees that last expression in Holmes's eyes before he closes them forever and throws himself and Moriarty into the icy crushing waterfall…. because in that single instant, Loki can see and feel the overwhelming grandeur of the mortal's soul – his courage, the enormity of his sacrifice and the calm though sorrowful acceptance thereof, mingled with an apology for the grief he knows his friend will have to endure, and past all of it, a silent suggestion to the friend he is leaving behind – to move on with his life, to be happy.

Something shatters within him as those eyes close and he sees Holmes thrust with his foot, sending himself and the man who would doom the world to a certain death – and thought millennia will pass, Loki swears he can never forget those eyes.

When the time comes for Loki to return to Asgard, he makes one last stop. Hoping to find some closure and ease the pain that is ripping him apart inside, he sits on the bank, one hand within the deadly churning water that crushed the life from the detective's body which now lies within its icy depths, and says softly as he allows the first tears to fall:

"I'm sorry I could not save you…. but most of all I'm sorry I never told you that I loved you."

He feels like he should say more, but it does nothing to ease the pain, and no-one will ever hear him, so instead he gets to his feet and returns to Asgard.

Loki knows that at some level he should be grateful for Thor's attempt to comfort him – for his support even after finding that he'd developed feelings for the mortal that went beyond friendship – but nothing Thor does or says can ease the pain that is eating at him, and slowly Loki draws in.

For the first few decades on Midgard after, Loki looks, knowing that Holmes died childless, but hoping to find at least something – someone within whom a small flicker even of the detective's spirit resides – which can perhaps ease his pain, but eventually hoping itself becomes too painful, and he turns away from that lesser world, promising himself that he will never look back, never embrace so devastating a hope again.

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	2. Chapter 2

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_Almost a century later, Loki has all but forgotten the brilliant mortal that had once captured his interest and ultimately held his heart._

It has been more than a hundred years since Loki has spent this much time on Midgard, and by now he has become a master of not thinking of why he had come the last time, instead focusing on his present circumstances.

This time he is not here by choice, he is trapped in this world which is now meaningless to him by a shattered interdimensional bridge and the fact he knows he will never again be welcome on Asgard, but the pain of that reality is somehow dull in comparison to another pain in his life, repressed but always gnawing at him beneath the surface….. but rather than dwell on that, he plans his revenge, he plans to make his not-family hate him for good reason since he is sure they never have loved him, and subjugating this miserable world seems like a good start.

Complications to his plans come in the form of the Avengers, a ragtag team consisting of Thor – of course, who better to always rain on his parade, or should he say perhaps thunder on it– and an eclectic group of mortals who have enough differences between them that it amazes Loki how they can fight together when they hardly agree on anything.

Still, for all their efforts – equal parts valor and senseless idiocy placing themselves at risk for a world of lesser beings – Loki only sees them as a small hitch in his plans. Each of them has a fatal weakness he has learned from simply observing them in a few skirmishes thus far: Hawkeye and Black Widow are simply mortal – skilled but useless without their comrades.

Captain America is the peak of human physical perfection, but too hampered by his own outdated morals and too out of touch with the present to be able to choose necessary evils when he must to win.

The Hulk is strong, bone crushingly so, but barely able to think in his battle-form, and for that reason, not a threat.

Ironman is perhaps the most interesting of them all, for all that he has never seen the mortal's face outside of a photograph, the mortal is several decades ahead of his time's technology. Brave to the point of recklessness in combat, the armored mortal's fatal weakness is his unending sense of responsibility to protect all those weaker than himself, even while his unpredictability in other ways has kept him alive thus far. Most importantly his value to the team lies beyond his combat abilities as he supplies most of their needed technological innovations, making him the first Loki has decided he will kill.

Ironic really that that position had once been held by Thor when Loki had first fallen to this realm, for one thing of all the foes Loki would find, Thor's intimate knowledge of him made him Loki's greatest threat – but this plan is better, because Thor's greatest weakness, perhaps even his fatal one is his devotion to those he holds dear, and nothing can hurt him more than to have to watch his comrades – his friends - be killed before his eyes.

Yes, Loki smiles to himself – a bitter twisted expression that borders on the edges of insanity – one by one he will pick them off, Ironman first and Thor last….. it is a truly perfect plan.

He laughs as he recollects that in previous battles Thor always has looked out for the armored Avenger with just a little more concern than the rest – a sure sign that their friendship is a very strong one, even though the two are absolutely nothing alike – and this first death will devastate the Thunderer.

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	3. Chapter 3

A/N

1)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: Meow, Lexicon, bermellow, and GODdiggidydoodle. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) Thanks a million for the note, Lexicon! I had been referring to just WWI (as it would be the first conflict that would have happened after the timeframe of AGOS) though it probably does make more sense to cover both, so I am going back to fix it.

3) As I usually forget to mention, I own nothing!

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The unpredictable mortal becomes ridiculously predictable when noncombatants are in danger, and just as Loki has planned he knowingly walks into the trap Loki has set for him, bearing the brunt of a blast that would have killed thousands instantly.

Unfortunately for the man beneath the armor, even his highly advanced technology is not a match for the destructive force Asgardian technology is capable of, and the now inert red and gold metal shatters from the sheer force, crumbling ribs like matchsticks and ripping the vulnerable flesh beneath.

Loki has but a moment to savor his victory before the other Avengers are upon his with newfound fury – all except for Thor who is on his knees by his dying comrade, exactly as devastated as Loki hoped he would be.

Wanting to savor this while it lasts, Loki quickly drives back the attack, allowing his to focus his attention on Thor who is on the verge of tears telling the dying man beneath the armor that he should not have taken that hit, while in a futile effort to drag air into ruptured lungs, the fallen armored Avenger opens the faceplate of his armor, struggling to speak as he chokes on the blood that is streaming from his parted lips, and finally settles for the knowledge that he cannot, conveying his final emotions silently as he locks eyes with the stormy blue ones looking back at him – dark eyes already glazed with shock and pain showing clearly his calm acceptance of this necessary sacrifice, inevitable sorrow at his imminent death, as well as an apology for the pain he knows those dear to him will now have to bear, finally coupled with something reassuring despite the circumstances…and in one horrible moment it all connects for Loki – because he has seen that gaze before, and though in time his memories of the mortal he once had loved had been locked up, that final gaze was something that he could never forget.

Tony Stark's eyes close as he slips toward death, and something shatters within Loki as all he can think of is the fact that finally the brilliant man he had loved and lost had been reborn to this world – as another eccentric genius no less – and this time it was Loki who had dealt the fatal blow.

He does not see Mjolnir coming at him until it is too late, does not really register Thor's thundering rage as he roars: "What have you done!", and so great is the grief burning within him that he hardly feels the crushing impact, or the blows rained down upon him by the Avengers as they – perhaps fitting to their name – avenge their own.

Loki does not care that they might finally kill him after all, he does not care that he is in fact openly weeping – because who would care to notice anyway, but Thor does, because suddenly the assault stops, and Thor is kneeling by his side, telling him words that are as useless to ending his pain as always – but clarity returns when Thor despite his clear confusion at the situation tells Loki he still might be able to save the mortal, and though he is certain that by this time the mortal will have breathed his last, now that the words have been spoken, he cannot help but try.

This time it is Thor who stands over, protecting him from the other Avengers who clearly would love to incinerate him, while helping to remove the armor from a mortal who is still tenaciously hanging to life despite the severity of his injuries, finally backing away to stand guard as Loki places bare hands on the mortal's shattered body and begins to whisper healing spells he had thought he would never use again, finally collapsing in exhaustion before slipping into unconsciousness while clinging to the precious thought that while far from healed, Tony Stark has a fighting chance.

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	4. Chapter 4

A/N: All the usual will be said in the next chapter when I'm not using this pesky library computer... for more details see the update on either of my other stories...

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When Loki awakens again, he is on the Avengers' helicarrier, surprised at the fact he is awakening at all, as well as the fact that he is not shackled hand and foot – but any questions as to why evaporate as he sees Thor looking down at him, concern written in those blue eyes despite everything he has done, including killing the Thunderer and more recently almost killing one of his mortal friends, but Loki feels too wrung out emotionally to find it within himself to even feel scorn for Thor's still surviving affection towards him, and he falls back asleep, physical injuries taking their own toll on him.

He awakens again to a heated argument in the next room between Thor and the other Avengers, as well as the head of SHIELD. They are debating his fate, but he cannot bring himself to care when across the room from him lies the mortal he had nearly killed earlier, still too weak to breathe on his own.

Pushing himself to his feet, Loki walks over, perching on the side of the medical cot and traces a gentle hand over the now unmistakable features that rest before him.

He does not know how he did not recognize the mortal sooner, because now that he thinks about it, there are so many similarities between the two incarnations of this one soul that it is in retrospect painfully obvious – and that is not even counting the fact that they look practically identical.

Tony Stark does not seem to share his counterpart's ability to reach a conclusion from seemingly insignificant details in the way that Sherlock Holmes did – he does not bear what the detective had called his curse – but that same gift, that same attention to detail and brilliant mind are what has made him the brilliant inventor he is in this life.

They share that same heartbreaking willingness to sacrifice everything for those they have chosen to protect, despite the fact that both are so reclusive and hard-to-understand, the world considers them arrogant. They share the same incessant drive to know, to experiment – and live with the same burning passion in all facets of their lives… and though when he had executed his plan to take Ironman out permanently, Loki had not realized who he was…. for the first time Loki knows the truest meaning of regret.

He rests his hands gently on the mortal's chest, vaguely wondering as he feels the warmth seep through the thin fabric of the hospital sheet and into him, if the mortal will ever remember what they shared in another life…. because though in the process of being reborn, mortal souls are stripped of their memories, if there was one soul that could defy that rule, it would have been him. Yet his hopes are quickly crushed by the fact that he cannot possibly have a chance with the mortal after what he has done to him today, and though he cannot ever stop loving him, he knows that Tony Stark should hate him, both for the havoc he has wreaked on this realm and the pain he has subjected him to….. and though Loki feels that for all this he deserves nothing better, it still hurts.

Driving away the weight of his emotions he begins to whisper again, knowing he will not be able to do this for long with his own injuries weakening him, but still needing to do something to help heal the mortal, and he keeps at it until he again collapses from exhaustion again.

Loki is vaguely aware of Thor walking back in, filled with defensive anger that is not directed at him this time, as he gently

scoops Loki from the floor, cradling him almost as if he is fragile – as if he truly is the Aesir's younger sibling, not an adopted monster, while he calls over his shoulder, no doubt to the people he has been arguing with: "If this is not proof of his intentions, what is?".

He awakens fully when Thor sit by his side, gently brushing the hair from his face, telling what he assumes is an unconscious Loki hat he has missed him, that he always loved him….. that he is sorry….. and that last statement hurts more that Loki can bear, because he does not want love or forgiveness now that he has committed this last unforgivable crime …. he is not worthy of any apology…. and in an effort to escape the pain, he lets himself slip back into sleep.

But even there he cannot find peace –because he dreams of the death of Sherlock Holmes – and the near-death of Tony Stark…. because suddenly it is he who has the mortal strung up by a hook thrust though his shoulder while he pulls at him and revels in his screams of agony, and he who has caused his death….. Subjectively he knows it is not true, that was Moriarty, but after this day, Loki knows it makes little difference because he has done the same….. and the nightmares only get worse from there.

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	5. Chapter 5

A/N:

1) Sorry this took longer than expected, but apparently resoring my computer from factory configuration to what I'm used to - as well as sorting though the data dump that resulted since apparently file location information was among the lost data (assuming I understood their explanation correctly) is taking me longer than I expected. Add to that the fact that I'm a slow typist normally and now that I got half the fingers to work with, I'm sloooooower... sorry again!

2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: SketchbookPianist, simply anonymous, wolfbane, HowlynMad, and JustAnotherParalellDimension. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) As I usually forget to mention, I own nothing!

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After a third application of Loki's healing magic, Stark is stable enough that the SHIELD medics agree he can continue to recover at his own home, despite the fact they have been keeping the severely injured mortal constantly sedated to spare him the pain of consciousness.

Loki's own fate becomes the subject of bitter contention between Thor and Nick Fury, and though he cannot bring himself to care, though he feels too numb to anything but the crushing guilt weighing upon him to feel happiness or even resentment at Thor's stubborn defense of him, he admits to himself that at least he wants to see this through to the end – he wants to have the chance to see the mortal he almost killed back to complete health, and though he knows it is selfish he smiles bitterly as he overhears Thor play his last and most desperate card, threatening to leave the Avengers for good if SHIELD tries to lock his brother up.

Unsurprisingly, Fury – who from his tone of voice fits his name perfectly – does not acquiesce to Thor's demand, but he does suggest a compromise, stating with all the cynicism and disbelief the situation merits, that if Loki's intentions are indeed to assist in Stark's recovery, he can stay under house arrest at the billionaire's house, provided three conditions are met: First that at least two of the Avengers and a SHIELD squad will be present at all times, second that Loki provides SHIELD with accurate information on his 'allies', and finally that he will wear a tracking anklet to allow SHIELD to recapture him, should he violate the first agreement.

Finally finding a slight interest in the discussion, Loki walks to the wall, using his magic to see through it, observing Thor react exactly as he imagined the Thunderer would. Thor had agreed instantly with the first two, knowing that Loki had no intention of leaving Stark's side of his own free will – even though it is clear from the Thunderer's expression that he has absolutely no clue when or how **that** happened – and that Loki's allies were tools of convenience to him, usable and entirely disposable. But it is at the third requirement that Thor argues with the one-eyed mortal, only to be cut off by said mortal who intones with practiced disinterest:

"Relax, Odinson – It's designed to be non-lethal, you would know – and incidentally, who insisted on that first? You or Stark?"

From what had been said Loki can deduce that this anklet is designed to immobilize him should he try to escape, that Stark had built it – who else could have anyway – but had oddly insisted on the device not killing him, that Thor had been the test subject – most likely out of that idiotic concern he somehow still harbored for his pseudo-sibling – and judging from Thor's objection, the experience had not been pleasant.

He dimly hears Thor defending his character and intentions, ironically telling Fury that he is certain Loki is not playing a game, not deceiving them all – that whatever this is …. is real, and Loki finds himself shocked again at how quickly Thor has gone back to trusting him, despite all he has done. Any other time, Loki would had laughed at this trait, called Thor a gullible fool and reveled in his ability to manipulate the Aesir – but right now it only makes the ache in his chest grow, because though ironically for the first time in years, Thor's trust is not misplaced, it is also the first time that Loki feels completely unworthy of this trust.

As he steps through the wall, joining the two who are arguing about his fate, he notices Fury's shocked moment of panic, but cannot find it in himself to laugh at it. By contrast, of course, Thor is unsurprised, having seen this many times before, but the concern he feels shows, only growing as Loki tells the clearly shocked mortal:

"I accept your terms."

It is Thor who tries to change Loki's mind, but he gets no further than "Brother, …" before Loki cuts him off:

"I'm not your brother."

Thor immediately falls silent, hurt flashing across his features as if this statement is anything but truth, but Loki can see the hurt give way to extreme confusion as Thor watches Loki stand still letting a pair of clearly terrified SHIELD agents clasp shut the device over his ankle, completely lacking his usual amusement at their obvious terror of him.

As quickly as they had arrived, they leave, Nick Fury with them, and before Loki can take the few steps from the helicarrier which is on the roof of Stark's mansion – that being the most practical way to get the injured mortal home – Thor is standing in front of the door, saying gently but firmly:

"We must speak, brother."

Almost reflexively, Loki snaps back: "We are not brothers!" but he feels too broken and weary to put the usual rage into it, and when Thor counters that they are, Loki finally asks quietly, seeing in this possibility an explanation for Thor's insistence:

"He never told you the truth of my origin?"

Too impatient to wait any longer for an answer, Loki lets his Jotun form show, expecting Thor to be horrified, or to attack him – but he finds himself almost disappointed when the Thunderer is unsurprised, taking a step closer as reaches out to place a hand on Loki's shoulder, saying quietly, softly even – so much sincerity in his tone, it hurts:

"Father told me…. after you … fell – I still mourned you, for we are brothers, by bond even if not by blood…. and that is enough for me."

Wearily, Loki allows his Aesir form to hide his true nature, too shocked by Thor's simple acceptance of him to know how to reply, so he simply pushes past Thor, stepping out onto the roof, only for Thor to fall into step with him, as he again pivots to stand in front of Loki:

"Why Tony Stark?"

This time Loki smiles bitterly, answering:

"You have no idea how many times I have asked myself that question in the past hours."

Taking advantage of Thor's confusion, Loki slips past him and enters the house, ignoring the glares of the SHIELD agents who are standing guard, as he makes his way to check on the wounded mortal who is presently resting in his own room.

Watching Stark sleep, Loki finds himself reflecting on the bitterly ironic truth of what he had told Thor moments earlier. The statement itself had been designed to throw the Thunderer – as both of them knew Loki to well to imagine a spontaneous fancy could have this much effect on him – yet it was true in that Loki had asked himself why the mortal he had admired and ultimately loved yet lost to his own choices had to be reborn as a man whose simple existence stood in the way of all Loki had planned.

Had Holmes been reborn as anyone else, Loki would have simply taken him out of the equation, locked him up safely and in luxury while he subjugated the world, and then ruled with the mortal by his side, but as Tony Stark – as the fragile mortal who used his genius to become a defender of this realm, as a loner by nature who found comrades and ultimately friends among the Avengers – he is the one insurmountable obstacle that Loki has to face.

It is the mortal's nature to be this person – it has always been in his nature to defend those who cannot defend themselves – even when it means walking into fights that cannot be won, even when it means sacrificing everything, just as it has always been in the mortal's nature to treasure above all things the few friends he has….. and even though it is these two traits that make the unpredictable mortal the demise of Loki's plans, it is those same traits, coupled with the never-ending drive to learn and his genius that had made Loki ultimately fall for the detective all those years ago in that cloudy little country.

Frustration wells within him as Loki watches his chance at greatness crash and burn, because even if he could take Tony Stark out of the equation – and manage to keep the genius from finding a way back into it – to do this and proceed with his plans would be more cruel than to simply kill the mortal…. and all because of those two irritating traits.

In a twisted moment of rage, Loki reaches out – trying to convince himself that despite his feelings, no mortal is worth loosing this much, in direct contrast to his thoughts just moments earlier – and places a hand on the arc-reactor in Stark's chest, telling himself as he does so that just like in his previous life, the mortal will surely bring about his own demise…. and to die quickly in his sleep right now will be far more merciful than having to struggle for the rest of his days trying to save an unworthy world.

All it will take Loki to stop the mortal's heart forever is a small spell of three little words…. and he will be free to do as he planned… but somehow all he can think of is the detective's death in those icy waters – of the fact that it was those two traits that had led him to choose his own death then – and exactly those which have led him to face death again this time in the form of Loki…. and Loki finds that he cannot force from his lips those simple words.

Sighing in frustration, Loki pushes the thoughts from his mind, reeling in horror at what he had been so close to doing, and as his unbearable guilt only grows, tearing relentlessly at his all-but-forgotten heart, Loki gently runs his fingers through the mortal's dark hair, remembering how unruly it had been in another incarnation, and says softly, as he closes his eyes and for the second time in his life weeps over the mortal, knowing Tony Stark will neither see or hear him:

"I should kill you … but I can't…. You will hate me now – you should, as I should you…. but I cannot do that either….. why did you have to be here… why? Why did I have to love you?"

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	6. Chapter 6

A/N:

1) Sorry again for the long wait - Apparently I move, type, and live at less than half my usual speed with half the usual number of usable hands, though it certainly gives me a greater appreciation for the people who manage to keep functioning with handicaps.

2)Sincere thanks for reviews,encouragement, and good advice goes to: simply anonymous, HowlynMad, and tmmdeathwishraven. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) Sorry this is short, but it sets the stage for what will happen after, so here it is... will update again ASAP!

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Another day fades into the night, and Loki still refuses to leave Tony's bedside, even when Thor implores him to rest, and even when Pepper stays there for hours, watching over Tony as he sleeps.

Each time she enters, she fixes Loki with a silent glare which says more clearly than any words can that she knows what he has done, and will never forgive him, as well as a defiant challenge: that he will have to go through her to hurt Tony again – and though Loki knows only too well that she is powerless to enforce this, he cannot help but respect her for it all the same, respect the depth of loyalty that must exist for her to stay in the presence of one who could kill her effortlessly - and has killed so very many mortals like her.

It is in the dead of the night when no-one who would ask any questions is watching that Loki finds the time to learn more about this incarnation of his lost mortal love. It is the first time he has touched him – since almost killing the mortal in his sleep, and Loki cannot help but tremble from the surprisingly raw pain that rips through him as he thinks of that dark moment – but he pushes it away, and gently cradles the mortal's head between his palms, sifting through his unconscious mind for memories.

He cannot find any conscious memories from Holmes's life, and the many similarities he finds between the inventor and the detective hurt more than the few differences – because each similarity reminds him only too clearly that he almost killed the paradoxical mortal he had admired and ultimately loved – the person who had given everything for a world that would never be worthy of him – the fragile life he had wished to protect and nurture yet ultimately tried to end.

Then he turns to memories from this life, yet when he finds the un-surprising truth that his attempt to kill Tony Stark was only one of many that had come before – though as successful as the worst of them – it does nothing to ease the throbbing ache deep within him, nothing to assuage his guilt, because rather than finding comfort in the fact that he was not the first, he can only hate himself more for being one of them – for casting his own vote for the ending of a life already in so much danger….. and the mortal's emotions he picks up from each time he has almost died stay with Loki to haunt his thoughts and dreams.

Finally he pulls away his hands, hating himself more than he had when he learned the truth of his birthright, yet despite the fact that he knows he has destroyed this second chance fate had so ironically given him, despite the fact that he is the last person in all nine realms that Tony needs to see when he awakens, Loki finds that he cannot pull away, cannot bear to miss a minute when he spent so long grieving the mortal's death in another life, and knowing he would never again find so rare a gem in this insignificant realm.

So he stays, watching through the blackened windows, as the sun slowly creeps over the horizon, and awaits the mortal's awakening, knowing that it will be soon. He should not be here, he does not belong here, but he cannot leave – will not let himself loose this soul again until forced to. Perhaps it makes him selfish, but Loki never claimed to be otherwise…. and though he knows that with what he has done, rejection is both deserved and inevitable…. at least for now, he can fool himself with unreachable dreams of redemption.

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	7. Chapter 7

A/N:

1) Apparently my muse is feeling reallllly flighty lately ... My deepest apologies for the long wait!

2)Sincere thanks for reviews, well wishes, and encouragement goes to: tmmdeathwishraven, AquaBurst, HowlynMad, MavericFlame, and Abandon-Morality. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) As I usually forget to mention, I own nothing.

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Loki's own breathing hitches as Tony Stark's picks up, but the mortal's return to consciousness also is a return to the awareness of his own physical pain, and as the mortal winces slightly before finally opening his eyes, Loki can only lean closer, his heart aching with guilt even as he is drawn in – needing desperately to see the eyes that had closed forever in death more than a century earlier open once again.

The first time their eyes meet, it is only for a fraction of a second, and when the expected horror does not appear in the mortal's gaze, Loki feels his heart leap slightly, despite knowing how foolish it is to let himself hope for something that his own actions have cursed him to life forever without.

When Tony looks away, taking in his environment even as he blinks to clear his blurry vision, Loki sighs, realizing the mortal had failed to react only because he had likely assumed that the sight before him was an illusion, and he is proven painfully right when Tony looks again at him, clearly terrified by the realization that Loki is no hallucination, and vaults out of bed in the opposite direction.

It is only when the mortal's legs give out under him and a strangled cry of pain is wrenched from his lips as he collapses to the floor, that Loki realizes that his preoccupation with healing the obvious life-threatening injuries had caused him to forget entirely about the almost-certainty of spinal damage – and a fresh wave of horror washes over him as he realizes that the mortal's sudden movement has likely at least partially severed his already injured spinal cord.

Driven by the need to know if Tony is even still conscious, Loki quietly walks around the bed, keeping a distance in case the mortal is awake, though at some level he hopes for the opposite, because at least it would make healing him – among many other things - that much easier.

Though he feels like he is already broken inside – crumbled beyond imagination, something shatters deep inside Loki when he finds the mortal, still conscious and obviously in great pain, having carefully levered himself into a sitting position against the side of the bed, and clearly terribly aware of his own inability to move further.

Loki sighs, fighting back the grief and guilt that gnaws at his insides when he enters Tony's line of sight, and watches the mortal react…. sees the subtle but undeniable tension that seeps into the mortal's form, sees the dread and resignation in the dark eyes that quickly sweep the room looking for some kind of weapon before returning to stare at him, senses the carefully controlled panic that is filling the mortal who knows he is entirely at Loki's mercy and also knows he will be given none…. and though Tony has yet to call for help, Loki knows it is probably only because the mortal is trying to keep Pepper from harm.

Loki wishes he could believe, even if for a moment, that this silent observation holds a glimmer of hope for him – hope that he can somehow find trust and redemption, hope that the mortal is not rightly terrified of him… that the mortal does not hate him for excellent reason – but for all that he wishes it, he knows that those hopes are nothing but cold empty illusions.

He knows too well what the mortal is feeling - knows from Tony's memories that it's exactly what the mortal had felt when Stane had ripped the arc-reactor from his chest, minus the shock and pain of unprecedented betrayal…. knows too well that the mortal's silence and apparent icy stoicism is simply extremely well controlled horror and resignation to an imminent brutal end he knows he can do absolutely nothing to prevent…. and Loki finds himself paralyzed by the guilt crushing him.

He knows he should say something, yet nothing comes out - no words can suffice to express the emotions ripping though him… so instead he remains silent, rooted to his spot on the floor….. because despite the visceral pain that had ripped through him as he heard the mortal's cry of sheer agony, despite the fact that in this moment he wants nothing more than to run to the side of his reincarnated mortal love and help him, heal him - to swear that he will never let him be hurt again – Loki knows that any attempt to get closer will inevitably result in the mortal struggling against him, and in so doing, further injuring himself.

A strange desperate hope flares within him as he sees curiosity start to rise and slowly overwhelm the apprehension in the mortal's dark eyes, yet it is accompanied by another crushing wave of pain when the mortal tilts his head slightly as he considers Loki's presence, eyes narrowing and a slight frown of concentration appearing on his features….. because Loki knows that expression far too well – he's seen it countless times gracing the features of his long-lost detective….. and right in this moment, all he can see before him is Sherlock Holmes – his Sherlock Holmes…. injured and in pain by his own hand….. and as the guilt and grief burn within him, tearing at his insides mercilessly, Loki finds that it is all he can do not to crumble to the floor like the shattered wraith which seems to be all that is left of him.

When Pepper comes rushing in – likely having been informed by JARVIS of the situation – and Loki sees the contemplative look on Tony's features give way to fresh and less-controlled panic, this time for Pepper's safety, Loki cannot help but breathe a sigh of relief…. because in this moment as Tony pleads with Pepper to leave, warns her of the danger, that calculating gaze vanishes and he reminds Loki just a little less of his lost detective…. and when Pepper whirls around to deliver to Loki a stinging slap, accusing him of causing this latest incident, it is – strangely perhaps - a welcome distraction.

Ignoring the look of shock and horror with which Tony is watching events unfold – and before the mortal has a chance to try moving again, Loki tells Pepper, making sure his voice is loud enough for Tony to hear as well:

"Lady Pepper, so good of you to join us, however I think Thor will be of more help in this situation."

Without waiting for a reply from Pepper, or her increasingly confused boss, Loki calls for …. Thor – it's easier to think of him that way than to decide what the Thunderer is to him at present - and it is only when Thor enters the room and walks to Loki's side, inquiring how his help is needed that Loki sees the last of the panic in Tony's eyes melt away, crowded out by overwhelming confusion:

"Anyone care to elucidate **what exactly** I've missed?"

Loki knows that perhaps the final catalyst for the mortal's question is the fact that he and Thor are in the same room, and in shocking contradiction to what has become accepted fact, **not** trying to kill each other.

That much – and only that much - is simple; it shows clearly in the way Tony's now piercing gaze is flickering back and forth between himself and the Thunderer, as if they are two parts of a machine he is trying to fix…. or two pieces of seemingly irreconcilable evidence in a case…. and no matter how much it hurts Loki cannot help but see Holmes once again.

On the other hand, the answer Tony is seeking….. is far harder – far more painful - and when Thor shrugs helplessly and silently turns to Loki, clearly expecting him to answer the questions that only he can… for the first time in hundreds of years no words will come to his lips.

How can he tell Tony Stark that in another life he had loved him and lost him?…. that he had given up searching for him in this world and tried to move on but knew that a part of himself had died with the detective in the icy waters of Reichenbach falls.

How can he tell the mortal that he recognized him only by the emotions reflected in his dark eyes as he lay choking on his own blood and staring death in the face once again?

How can he tell someone he tried to kill and had mortally wounded that he is sorry? How can he ever hope to make him believe that he'd die before ever hurting the mortal again?

How can Loki admit that whether he likes it or not, he cannot help but love him – and that for him and him alone, Loki has been forced to sacrifice all his well-wrought plans of ruling this world and achieving vengeance on his false-family …. because he cannot bear the alternative of sacrificing just Tony to achieve all that?

The guilt of not giving answers that this mortal at least has the right to know aches within him – but even that pales in comparison with the despair of knowing his feelings will never be reciprocated – that he can never hope to earn even Tony's trust – not after what he has done…. and though he knows all these truths are immutable – written into the universe itself by his own choices…. to have to hear them will destroy him inside….. and Loki does not know how to endure the coming devastation.

Unable and unwilling to open his long-forgotten heart to the one soul that had once won it and still holds it in this life though that fact is beyond irrelevant now, Loki only sighs, telling Thor that he needs to move Tony back to his bed without letting his back be strained any further, before he turns swiftly and leaves the room.

Once Tony is unconscious again, Loki will return and heal this forgotten injury…. but right now he cannot face the mortal he loved and almost killed, cannot bear the guilt that eats at him each time Tony does something that proves that he is in many ways very much the person he was more than a hundred years earlier….. and as Loki comes to the end of his aimless wanderings, entering for the first time the room he has been given, the wall of apparent stoicism shatters, and he sinks to the floor, resting his head on his knees, and finally letting himself weep.

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	8. Chapter 8

A/N:

1)Sincere thanks for reviews and all the encouragement goes to: tmmdeathwishraven, HowlynMad, DeathandLove, simply anonymous, MaverikFlame, AquaBurst, Abandon-Morality, milen748, Anglique, Redblade, SaphrontheQuirky, and hisokauzumaki. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) Anglique, thanks a million for the review and for pointing out my (very stupid) mistake. I have gone back and fixed it. Admittedly the correct figures are depressing, but sadly we can't rewrite history.

3) I truly apologize for the long wait! The past weeks have been a mixture of extended family craziness, hyper-kids (not mine, luckily) craziness, Avengers craziness - which has spawned another two ficlets "Bittersweet Lies" and "Reflections Across Enemy Lines" the later of which I honestly have no clue where it's going, etc.

4) I made the mistake of showing my collected writings to my family... and erm, well, lets just synposize by saying that my muse (and my ego) was thoroughly trampled underfoot... though its possible that a major problem was the fandom not my writing itself... I think... I hope. Either way...Youch!

Anyway, thanks a milion for all your support, dear readers... you certainly have a way of brightening crappy days and without you all this would not be possible.

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Loki flinches slightly when he hears the door to his room open and sees Thor's shadow fall across him before the Thunderer reaches his side.

He dries his tears completely, not wanting to admit to anyone but himself how deeply this one mortal affects him…. even if the effort is a waste of energy that he barely has, because the cautious but gentle reassurance in the Thunderer's tone as he tells him that Tony is asleep finally, is proof that this once Thor does know what he feels even though he cannot possibly understand why….. and maybe that fact should bother him, but Loki cannot find it in himself to care now that he has so much more to be concerned with.

Leaving the Thunderer behind, Loki darts from the room, ignoring the tense guards that watch his every move, as he makes his way to Tony's side, determined to heal the mortal before morning comes and the intervention of Midgardian medicine – if he can call it that – makes matters worse.

The damage is far worse that he had dared imagine…. and it takes more out of him to repair than he should give, but the idea of failing to heal the mortal – of Tony Stark being left paralyzed – spurs him on, and as Loki finally feels the last of the damaged nerve-bundles knit together far beneath his fingertips that rest lightly on the mortal's abdomen, opposite the spinal-injury, he pulls away, fighting not to collapse under the burden of his own exhaustion and the lingering injuries to his own form that have not yet fully healed because he has been giving so much of himself to save the mortal.

But though he breathes a sight of relief knowing that finally the worst of the physical damages are healed, he still aches inside knowing that the emotional trauma of the experience is something he'll never be able to erase….. and that what happened today had irrevocably made it worse, because back on that battlefield, Tony had been too busy…. dying…. to need to take stock of his physical situation, but just hours ago when he'd tried to make a dash for safety and felt his spine snap….. he had to have known all that it entailed, to have been acutely aware of his utter helplessness and the horrifying reality that even if Loki did not kill him, he'd most-likely be paralyzed for the rest of his life… And Loki hates that with all his power, he cannot fix this – he cannot make anything right.

He knows that all he has left is these moments while Tony is unconscious, because once the mortal awakens and can reassess his situation, he'll keep Loki as far from himself as possible, just as he should…. and desperate to hold on for as long as he can, Loki gently reaches out, cradling the mortal's head between his hands as he simply watches him… trying to memorize the image of the features he loves so well relaxed in peace because he knows that soon they can only hold hate toward him.

Thor's voice breaks the shroud of silence enveloping him, with a tone so quiet he would have once doubted the Thunderer was capable of it:

"Brother, please…. talk to me."

Loki idly supposes that Thor is smarter than he gave him credit for all these years, because though he does not ask again, and simply sits down, waiting….. he knows that Loki has little inclination to leave, or for their discussion to become a shouting match, given the mortal's need for rest, and that makes his coming here a fairly good plan, maybe one of the best that he has made so far in his efforts to have an actual conversation take place between them.

He does not have to answer to the Thunderer's request though…. but he cannot lie to himself for long enough, cannot tell himself that it is distrust rather than affection that keeps Thor stubbornly by his side, and as something that feels suspiciously like guilt and a long-forgotten feeling of belonging wells up inside him, unwanted and unbidden, Loki finally breaks the silence, knowing that the Aesir's sensitive ears will pick up on his bare-whisper:

"Do you remember, more than a century ago…. the times I spent on Midgard?"

Thor's answer is equally quiet:

"You loved a mortal…. He died."

He hates the fact that there is only sympathy in the Thunderer's tone – even after all that has happened between them -, hates that where he would have scorned the other had their roles been reversed, Thor doesn't, and it fuels the bitterness in his reply:

"Funny, Thor – I didn't think your memory really worked that far back."

Hurt momentarily flashes though blue eyes, but when Thor looks at him again, there is no denying the warmth and honest compassion that fills his gaze as he gently replies:

"When you returned for the last time…. you were hurting, Loki. I'm not as smart as you but even I cannot forget seeing my brother in so much pain …. though I confess that I did not truly understand your feelings at that time."

Loki sighs tiredly. It's too much effort to feel angry at Thor right now after all of this, and a vague sense of guilt creeps up on him as he realizes why now Thor does understand. It must have tormented the Thunderer, being trapped realms away and fearing for the fragile life of his mortal love.

In truth, Loki had made that threat out of anger more than any real intent….. but of course Thor had not known, and Loki supposes that the least he can do is tell him as much:

"I won't hurt her."

"Thank you, brother."

Thor's response is expected, and his use of the term is annoying….. but Loki cannot find the energy to argue, not now as from his memories rise up unbidden the detective's agonized screams which echo in his ears, while the blue light that filters through the thin fabric covering the mortal's chest, throws into cruel contrast the dark bruises and scrapes that adorn deathly-pale skin like indelible reminders of the fact that this time it had been he who had nearly killed the mortal.

Loki is surprised when Thor figures it out, finally, cutting in with a tone that it uncharacteristically quiet:

"It is he."

Loki wonders briefly if his reactions had made it that painfully obvious, though he supposes that the sculpture of living flame which he had made in the likeness of his lost mortal love while grieving for him may have helped the Thunderer's recognition….. though ironically not Loki's… not in time.

Forcing back the tears that threaten, Loki pushes back the memories …. of Tony Stark choking on his own blood just days earlier, and of flames he'd let flicker out in a futile attempt to find some closure over a century ago…. and simply nods, finishing in a broken whisper:

"Reborn. I'd long since given up the hope of ever seeing him again."

The ever-positive Thunderer's reply is encouraging:

"Yet now here he is…. The Norns rarely give second chances, brother, and they never do it without reason."

And yet those words cut deeper and burn fiercer within Loki than any other ever could, because this is not the blessing that Thor speaks of it as…. No…. This is Loki's punishment – the only thing that could truly make him hate himself…. the only loss horrific enough to break his frozen heart and stir the conscience he had strangled with his own hate.

This is the one thing that will torment him for eternity: being cursed to have caused the one he cannot help but love to hate him…. and knowing that it is all a result of his actions.

Tony Stark's affection is the one thing that even conquering the universe will never be able to give Loki…. and the one thing he can never have…. and the only thing that living without feels more painful than dying.

He tries not to show how devastated he is by the realization…. managing only to keep his tone from building to a scream of raw misery for the sake of the sleeping mortal…. and yet still failing to keep the bitterness from his words:

"He died, Thor… I loved him but I was not there to save him…. and he died. Now I'm the one who tried to kill him!"

Thor sighs, reaching out to place a warm hand on Loki's shoulder, intoning soothingly – despite the note of uncertainty that seeps into his tone:

"…. Tony… is more understanding than you realize… and more forgiving."

Despite the intent of the words, they only make Loki more bitter and angry at himself…. because his 'brother' has known the mortal long enough to have been convinced to use his given name rather than one of the titles a prince of Asgard is so fond of…. and he will never have that chance…. and he bitterly cuts off anything else the Thunderer has to say:

"Not for this. I almost killed him…. He has to hate me."

The reply is soft – loving even:

"I don't."

Of course Thor would think that he can voice his own opinion on the matter…. He had tried to kill the Thunderer after all, actually he had killed him, for all that the condition was not permanent…. and somehow Loki finds that the complete lack of reproach in those blue eyes…. hurts. So instead of accepting the offered forgiveness or admitting to himself that some tiny part of him is touched by the sincere gesture, he snaps back angrily…. and a little louder than he should:

"That's because you're an idiot."

Once, the blonde would have taken the bait…. once he would have been hurt. Instead he smiles wearily, moving his hand to ruffle Loki's hair affectionately, as he says in a soft tone that rumbles like distant thunder:

"You know, I have missed you calling me that."

Loki looks away, unable to meet the gaze of his adoptive sibling which is still so clear… so affectionate despite everything, though he supposes that Thor has a point…. when he'd still been calling Thor an idiot – rather than venomously intoning 'Odinson' - they had been both far younger…. and despite their rivalry… far closer in a world that was once so simple.

Feeling tired – tired of life itself – Loki buries his face in his hands, only looking up when he hears Thor's whisper:

"Don't give up yet, Loki…. Besides, did he not love you in that life?"

"_Yes, he did… more than I deserved"_, muses Loki, but he does not bother answering a question that means nothing now, instead replying bitterly:

"He is mortal, Thor. You know as well as I, that mortals remember nothing from their previous incarnations."

Loki closes his eyes, fighting back the flood of memories that assaults him anew, as he cannot help but admit to himself at least that despite the truth of what he just said, the genius inventor in this life is too much like the genius detective of the previous one for his own good, even if this incarnation of his lost love appears strikingly different in personality on the surface, having hidden his human emotions behind a far flashier façade this time than before when he'd appeared to simply be an introverted brilliant loner.

Awareness returns to him sharply, as half a dozen heavily-armed SHIELD agents file into the room, weapons trained on Loki who stands to face them, smirking at the fact that they must imagine him to be a fool if they thing he will believe that they will open fire with the unconscious mortal directly behind him….. unless of course, Tony is acceptable collateral damage if it means killing Loki, and though he knows it's unlikely, the idea makes him sick.

Cold fury boils within Loki as he exits the room, amused at the wide berth they give him which would be useless had he any actual intent of turning them into snakes or simply killing them….. until suddenly Thor pushes past him, placing himself between Loki and the newly arrived guards, demanding in a harsh whisper:

"What is the meaning of this?"

They don't bother explaining – not that Loki is surprised – and instead move to place handcuffs, probably the high-voltage variety if appearances are worth anything, on Loki's wrists, only to be blocked again by a now furious Thunderer who resembles more than anything an enraged she-bear defending her den, as he roars - loud enough to awaken the entire building:

"My brother has done nothing wrong since coming here!"

Clearly they don't actually expect Thor to attack them – or maybe they neglected to note that Mjolnir would always come to the Aesir's hand when called – because the only thing that Thor's thunderous protest yields is a flat and almost disinterested:

"He assaulted Mr. Stark. The deal is off."

Loki panics internally as he sees his ever-loyal…. brother…. reach out, calling Mjolnir to him, and notices some of the guards shift the aim of their weapons to the Thunderer….. until a weary voice, rough with disuse interrupts the standoff, and for a second it seems that time itself freezes:

"He didn't."

For a fraction of a second, all the guns in the room are pointed, by reflex alone, at the newcomer, and even as Loki prepares internally to leap in the way, he wonders if the tiny tremor that runs though the mortal's frame is from the struggle of standing …. or the effect of scars left from one previous terrible experience which comes to mind.

Seconds later, the guns are trained on Loki again, as their wielders have clearly… finally …. recognized the new presence in the room as Tony Stark - pathetic really that they took so long, who else has a blue light shining out of their chest? – and again the mortal's voice breaks the silence, his tone still weary and rough but far more firm than seconds earlier:

"Loki didn't do anything. I simply attempted a speedy exit and clearly am not as spry as I once was….. so get out of my house."

Loki can only stare in shock at the mortal…. who is protecting him though for all effects and purposes he shouldn't be…. the mortal who he almost killed and yet is the first person to defend him from a false accusation in hundreds of years…. and he does not know what to feel, beyond the paralyzing shock filling him.

For a fraction of a second, the mortal's gaze locks with his, and Loki cannot decipher any of the tangled emotions filling it, though there is no trace of the horror that had been there before and that should count for something. Then Tony turns slightly to glare at the heavily armed guards – the clear master of the situation even as he struggles to remain standing – until they back away, taking their restraints with them.

The mortal's gaze seems almost fiercely protective, and Loki tells himself that it must be a trick of the light and nothing more…. despite the fact that it smoothly transitions into an entirely believable wry smirk as Tony replies to their statement that they need to debrief him with a witty sarcastic:

"Mhm, well, I'm going to bed and you're not my type, so there won't be any de-brief-ing happening tonight."

There is a moment of shocked silence before the clearly-insulted guards file out….. and by the time Loki recovers enough from both his overwhelming shock and the amusement that he cannot help but feel, he only catches a glimpse of the mortal's back as he staggers back to his bed, locking the door behind him.

Surely Tony knows that Loki could open it if he wanted to…. that it's not a real barrier that can protect him from harm, but strangely the mortal does not seem overly concerned about that possibility for all that he should be….. and this is more a message, a request that he be left alone for the night than anything else.

Loki wishes that he could understand the myriad emotions that he could see burning in the mortal's gaze beneath the cool control…. but if there is anything that his lost love has perfected between lives, it is his ability to be inscrutable when he wishes to keep his innermost thoughts and feeling hidden…. as clearly he had moments earlier.

He is pulled from the place where he has been standing lost in though by Thor, who guides him to his room, telling him gently:

"Sleep, brother…. I feel that tomorrow will be a long day."…. and Loki does not have the energy to argue.

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	9. Chapter 9

A/N:

1)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: MYsweetAngel, calicojack, Psyche102, Abandon-Morality, icis182, Gilraen Elensar, Aquaburst, L WAS HERE, HowlynMad, simply anonymous, MalfoyMaladyoftheDark, Anon and anon, FireSenshi2, WrenWeir, kitkatthevampirelover92, my feathered scales, Kina-chan, NinjaxxxApocalypse, and WatsWitDaMonkey. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) Sincere apologies to anyone waiting on updates for Stark Realizations and Heart of the Storm. They should be here within a few days. I've had to get back to work again, and things are insanely hectic. Well, that and with the DVD release of "Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows", I've been on a bit of a Holmes bender which may or may not result in some kind of publication (I don't know if it's actually any good yet).

3) I'm on youtube now! with the username "**Astra Eightyseven**", and I have made two vids, both Iron Man character-study videos, set to a couple Linkin Park songs that I think fit the character perfectly (and I happen to really like).

Since I cannot put the link here, the titles are "IRON MAN - What I've done" and "IRON MAN - In The End", though since a lot of people have made similar vids, if you're looking for mine, best to google my username.

Anyone who wants to drop by, or who finds Tony Stark as amazing as I do, come say hi :-)

4) I hope I did this justice. This one is from Tony's POV (though most chapters will be Loki's) because I wanted to get inside his head a bit. Of course I tried to write him as Tony Stark with some subtle Sherlock Holmes traits (or at least comparisons) and some vague vestiges of memories from his previous life, so I hope I did ok.

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**(Tony's POV)**

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Tony knows he should sleep. He feels exhausted and injured enough that he really doesn't need Jarvis's incessant reminders of the fact, and yet here, sitting in his empty darkened bedroom, he finds that his mind is running too far, too fast, and in too many directions to allow him any rest at all.

Seeing Loki again, standing just a couple feet from him had been…. unsettling, and not exactly in the ways it should have been.

Last time he'd seen Loki, he'd momentarily panicked, certain that his luck had finally run out, but even then, he'd noticed a strange…. something in the trickster's usually cavalier demeanor. Hesitation? regret? fear?

The time before that, all he can remember of Loki's expression is the manic cruel grin laced with an edge of insanity that had filled his HUD, between flashing red warnings that he'd chosen to ignore, right before all perception shattered beneath the tidal wave of pain that engulfed him as the shattered remnants of his armor ripped into him, and he knew he was dying.

After that – nothing…. nothing until waking up and seeing what he'd first assumed was a sure sign that everyone who said that PTSD would catch up to him and drive him crazy - despite his conviction that he was handling it fine - had been right, because he just had to be hallucinating….. only to realize that yes, Thor's deranged little brother was in his bedroom, and noticing even though his abortive attempt to get the hell out of there ASAP that something was just off with the Trickster.

Beneath Loki's veneer of silk and deadly ice, Tony had always sensed something broken in the immortal, forever buried deep beneath his air of invulnerability. Now all those broken pieces are poking through the shattered veneer like shrapnel from within, revealing just how damaged Loki is inside, and though Tony should not care – not after all this – he cannot stop asking why?

What exactly had he missed that had done this to a god?

The facts simply do not add up, something which annoys Tony as much as the rare bug in his code - though the latter is far easier to find and fix - and instead of sleeping, he finds himself trying to fit the misshapen puzzle pieces together.

Loki having drawn an apparent truce with Thor and living peacefully under the same roof?... not a chance in hell, but there's no denying that it happened – though how long it will last is another matter entirely.

Loki having saved his life – or so he's been told – after having very nearly killed him? …. the latter is not nearly as disturbing as the former.

After all, with SHIELD and the Avengers needing Tony more than they cared to admit – both for Iron Man and the Stark genius – killing Tony made perfect sense. Loki had done his homework, clearly; he'd found Tony's greatest vulnerability with more accuracy – he'd understood him better – than most of the Avengers, starting with Cap…. and in truth Tony expected nothing less.

Saving his life though? ….. weird.

Saving his life right after very nearly ending it? …. even more weird.

Surrendering peacefully to SHIELD? …. now that's plain freaky.

It is not as if Tony believes that Loki is not further ahead than he seems to be. He's pretty sure that Loki can find a way out of that anklet if he puts his mind to it, and the logical explanation is that Loki is screwing with him – with all of them.

Hell, Loki is the god of mischief and chaos…. that would be right up his alley, but despite that fact, Tony cannot shake the intuition that this ….. anomaly…. is something else.

Even more disturbing than this study in contradictions is the fact that at some level, Tony feels like he **knows** Loki.

It would be confusing enough if Tony felt that he simply understands the Trickster - and has a tad more faith in his motives than any sane man should have. That alone he could chalk up to the fact that after learning a bit of Loki's history, he knows that they have actually a lot in common, even though they've dealt with their problems in entirely different ways.

But that would be too simple. Instead, what's bothering Tony more than anything is something which resembles an irretrievable indistinct memory lurking in the back of his mind – a memory which tells him that he's known Loki before all this, a memory that makes him **want** to care for the Trickster despite everything.

That might be what is most wrong about all this, because Tony does not forget… **ever**. He might get busy enough that he misses important dates because time (along with sleep and food) becomes utterly irrelevant when he's in the throes of creativity….. but he does not forget facts - be they schematics, formulae, lines of code, people he's known, or the precise location in his shop of some tiny tool buried by the chaos of hurricane Anthony – his mind keeps it all.

How in hell can he feel like he knows Loki this well when for certain he has never met him before in his life?

Annoyed, Tony gets to his feet, pacing restlessly. He could do with some music right now – nothing like blasting some heavy metal to slow down the chaos in his mind, even if just a little. Or at least something to work on with his hands while he tries to solve the puzzle of Loki's behavior, because the functioning of his own mind in this case is a mystery which he's not even sure how to approach.

Deciding that he can make it down to his shop without alerting Pepper or doctors…. or anyone else who will order him back to bed rest under threat of sedation, Tony slips out the back door to his bedroom, and heads down to his shop.

Of course, Jarvis protests his decision, and as usual Tony ignores the computer's advice, but he still smiles a little. After all Jarvis is the one great constant in his life…. the one person who will never willingly leave him and never turn on him…. and it's good to have that connection, even if Jarvis is indeed just a computer.

His body protests every step, but it's not as if he's ever paid it any heed before – not at least when his mind demands to be satisfied – and why should he worry anyway? He knows that if he manages to overdo it yet again, Jarvis will call for help, regardless of what his creator wants. That's directive 4, and Jarvis has stubbornly kept it in effect since he'd field-tested the Mark II.

"Jarvis. Pull up everything you have on Loki since out last fight in Manhattan."

There is no mistaking the subtle but very real anger and bitterness in the computer's tone as he replies:

"You mean since he tried to kill you – and very nearly succeeded."

Tony simply nods, continuing calmly: "Yep, get me that too while you're at it. SHIELD surveillance, private satellites, everything…. Run into any firewalls? Hack 'em."

He starts to assemble a new suit of armor as Jarvis works, smiling slightly at the mortification in his computer's tone when Jarvis informs him – or perhaps more accurately complains to him – that all his in-house surveillance of Loki is corrupted, but that he does have composite satellite imagery of everything else.

Still working, Tony views the satellite imagery, then puts aside his tech as he has Jarvis do a frame-for-frame analysis of the fight where he'd almost died, focusing on Loki.

He sees the precise moment when Loki's expression changed from manic glee to horrified devastation, the moment when the trickster had gone from fighting like an enraged cornered tiger to an apathetic punch-sack for a team of enraged superhumans, and based on Jarvis's reconstruction, he knows that whatever happened – in Loki's mind no less – happened while Loki had been watching him dying.

But what was it?

There is little useful information in the scattered surveillance that follows. Loki had not been outside much, and clearly he'd been emitting something that interfered with local sensors.

Leaning back in his chair as he stretches his aching body, Tony sighs, then abruptly chuckles at the irony of the fact that had Loki been from this world, it would be easy enough to find the missing information. Tony's yet to meet a computer system he cannot break in to. Asgard, though – with no computers that he knows of - is a different matter entirely, and that means he'll have to gather information the old fashioned way: observation.

Of course, it's going to be technologically enhanced observation, and he spends the rest of his little remaining energy coding data-filtering algorithms into Jarvis's sensors so that the interference that's practically boiling off his new…. guest (for lack of a better term)… cannot blind them anymore.

Hours later, Tony's fairly certain that his upgrades have fixed the problem, and decides to catch a couple hours of sleep, after wearily telling Jarvis to wake him if – or more accurately when - anything happens that he should know about, at the computer's discretion.

The concern in Jarvis's tone is again unmistakable:

"You will allow him to stay here?"

Laying on the couch in his workshop as if this is any other time that he's been forced – by exhaustion alone - to take a rest from his work, Tony only shrugs and replies:

"For now, Jarvis. It's the only way I can figure out what's really going on."

He suppresses a smile at the pregnant pause which could well have been a sigh of exasperation had Jarvis been human, because Jarvis knows him well enough to realize that no amount of argument will deter his creator when he's working on the solution to so engaging a problem.

When finally the computer does reply, the resignation in his tone is palpable:

"I would recommend extreme caution, Sir."

Tony smiles, closing his eyes, as he replies quietly, and with more than a little irony:

"Duly noted. Come on, J, you know me. I'm always cautious."

Jarvis does not bother to respond, though it's easy to tell that the computer has bit back an acerbic 'hardly', and Tony lets exhaustion overtake him, musing to himself that though cautious is the last thing he will likely ever be described as, he does know how to be cautious when it matters.

He's cautious when it comes to keeping his tech out of the hands of those who would do harm with it, and he's cautious when it comes to the safety of those he cares for. His own safety? not so much…. but he does not know Loki's intentions, does not know if this is a trick, what is the Trickster's endgame.

So yes, he'll be cautious – more than his usual – but that still does not stop him from wanting to understand **why**, from wanting to study Loki until he can find the solution to this …. unsolved problem in chaos theory.

After all, Tony Stark has always thrived on challenges.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N:

1) I'm back finally - and sorry for dissapearing for so long. I returned from taking care of my father to find all my pet canaries dead or dying(in my hands), and myself fired, though despite practicality it is the former which has taken the most out of me, and for a long time, I haven't been able to even think about writing (though that's probably a good thing since as you may know when I'm depressed I write tragedies WITH tragic endings, not just liberal angst along the way).

Anyway I hope that these first efforts do not dissapoint (I cannot tell if I'm entirely happy with how they turned out but I can't say I'm happy with much lately so I suppose I may be a biased jury).

In any case, I hope to be updating more regularly.

2) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: IONCTM, my feathererd scales, kitkatthevampirelover92, Escaped Ninja, HowlynMad, Kina-chan, Petaldancer, farawisa, samiam13, mrmistoffelees, Foxyperv, MilhyWayGalaxy, princessofwarriors, and sami1010220. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) On a lighter note, I have made and posted fanfic covers for all my fics, and since the resolution here is terrible and they look awful (not complaining... images take up so much cyberspace), I also posted full-res versions on my tumblr, which is: **astragalactic dot tubmlr dot com** (spaces removed of course)... so if any of you are digital-art afficionados like myself, enjoy!

4) Finally, for any Holmes fans out there,** "Dynamics of an Asteroid" **is a non-crossover fanfic that I'm writing which spans AGOS, the Great Hiatus, and beyond... so if youre interested, uhhhh...there that is.

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Loki knows that Tony has gone to his shop. He can sense the mortal now that he is attuned to him, but fights back the urge to follow, knowing that he is the last person in the nine realms that Tony needs to see.

When morning comes, he expects to be kicked out of this place, sent far away from the mortal he'd tried to kill – probably to a SHIELD operated prison which Loki has no intention of remaining in, for all that he has absolutely nothing left to fill the emptiness that aches within him.

He supposes he'll leave this realm when that happens, as he can no-longer try to rule this lesser world – not with his lost mortal love reborn as one of its protectors – and to stay here, so close to a person who will be forever out of his reach is far too painful.

Asgard is not home to him – never has been, for all that Thor wishes it to be so - and at this point no realm will welcome him, leaving Loki only the fate of wandering forevermore, never to find rest or home… never to find peace… never to find the love that he so carelessly destroyed. And really, that is ok, because in the end, he knows it is all he deserves.

Tony's footsteps which still betray a slight limp echo in the hall, and Loki shivers, feeling himself freeze and crack from the inside out as he braces for his inevitable exile from the one place he longs for the most and deserves the least.

Instead he hears the mortal archly dismissing the cadre of SHIELD guards and their medical staff, insisting that he can take care of himself, and that he trusts JARVIS more than their doctors where his health is concerned anyway.

It takes three calls to Fury for the mortal to accomplish that end, and though the mortal seems to derive some satisfaction from going against the grain with his sharp wit and chosen near-isolation, by the time he does manage to eject from his house the unwanted personnel, he is clearly exhausted.

The mortal disappears into his shop for the rest of the day, and when Thor arrives to drag Loki out of his room, because the Avengers have ordered pizza, Tony is nowhere to be seen.

Loki sighs internally, knowing that the mortal needs sustenance to heal but likely feels too sick to eat, and the guilt churning inside him leaves little room for anything else, despite the Thunderer's encouragement and his supportive proximity which provide a soothing counterbalance to the glares coming from the rest of the team at the far side of the room, for all that Loki tells himself he doesn't care.

The next morning, Loki sees the mortal in the kitchen, making something in the Midgardian contraption called a blender, which should be a consolation …. but the mortal looks tired and gaunt, and Loki finds himself retreating silently…. retreating from a sight which has become too painful to dwell on, if only because of how much it reminds him of his lost detective.

Holmes had the tendency to wear himself thin from neglect when working on a case, and the one which ultimately cost the detective his life had taken everything out of him.

Tony on the other hand, based on what Loki's heard of Pepper's complaints, is the same way when he's buried in one of his projects, but he's physically escaped the worst of self starvation, largely because of Pepper – and blenders – and his ever-present robots, so to see him looking as pale and gaunt as in the last days of his previous life – all because of what Loki had done to him ….. hurts.

It is a crippling consuming ache rooted deep within him – one that nothing can alleviate, and back in his room, Loki sits silently by the window staring sightlessly out at an ocean which is now raging just like the misery filling him, and waits for the inevitable pain of a rejection which he knows he deserves.

By the third day, Loki simply locks the door to his room, ignoring both Thor's insistent knocking and his pleas, just as the computer's announcements of meal-times go entirely unheeded. After all the only announcement that can matter will come with or without his cooperation. The doors here listen to Tony Stark without question.

And so he waits, in a vaguely numb state that is beyond hope and fear and dominated largely by desolation, for all that he cannot help himself from falling victim to his own treacherous thoughts, because this experience of being trapped in the face of an inescapable doom is new to him.

For all the centuries he's lived and for all the danger he has faced, he had never tasted true hopelessness before, he had never had to endure the certainty of destruction that he could not avoid or prevent, never before had to watch and wait for the coming devastation….. until now.

Before there had always been the certainty that his magic would overcome what strength alone couldn't, the certainty that his near-immortality would ensure his survival…. but now, in the face of this loss, neither of these facets of his nature can ease the pain in any way…. neither can protect him from the one event that will truly destroy him, and more than ever before he feels utterly vulnerable….. utterly mortal despite the magic tingling on his fingertips and the immortal blood in his veins.

For the first time he feels utterly doomed, and he cannot help but wonder…. Is this what Holmes had felt at Heilbronn when he'd been waiting for the torture to begin? Is this what he'd felt standing over the raging falls when he'd realized that he'd loose… that he'd die and so would everyone he'd ever cared for? Is this what he felt in his last moments, trapped in the icy waters that had ultimately killed him?

And what of this incarnation? Is this how he had felt just days ago when he was dying on that rooftop? Or the previous time he'd almost been killed… or the one before?

More than ever before, Loki thinks that he knows what it feels like to be mortal… to be powerless to ward off the imminent destruction that is the only fate left at this point …. because he knows that he cannot escape this. However far he runs, and however much he does, there is no salvation left for him… no victory… not even solace, and perhaps the most bitter truth of all is that he cannot even truly wish for it.

The computer's announcement that he hasn't moved for four days isn't surprising. Irritating, yes, but not surprising given that time has lost all meaning. And yet despite the fact that he can tell from the edge of hostility in the computer's otherwise polished tone that it does not want to talk to him – does not want him there at all – it is still faithful to its creator's requests:

"Mr. Stark told me to inform you that if you insist upon behaving like a potted plant, he will have you added to the watering rounds of his gardening robot."

Had circumstances been different, had Loki recognized the mortal before that fateful fight, he would have laughed at this announcement and he would have found some hope in it…. because some things truly hadn't changed between the incarnations of his lost love.

Like before, the mortal could always be relied on to find solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems – in this case the interference Loki had been giving off – like before he is entirely tactless when it comes to complaining about lack of new data and the boredom that results from such a state, and in all, despite the changes in times and technology, his acerbic humor really hasn't changed either.

Now, though, those same parallels that he cannot help but draw…. because he recognizes so much of his lost detective in the inventor… serve only to remind him of everything that he had loved in that previous life and yet had been so very eager to destroy in this one.

Just as he opens his mouth to ask the computer a question of his own - to ask when he will be sent away, because that is indeed the only question that remains – but before he gets out a single word, it is Tony's voice that comes over the intercom, calm and confident, but still laced with the burning need to know that has never left him, and a hint of a challenge:

"Why don't you ask me yourself."

The intercom cuts off immediately after, not waiting for any reply on Loki's part, but there is nothing subtle about the – louder than normal – hiss of the door unlocking, and Loki finds himself rising to answer this final call, thinking bitterly to himself "_And so it begins…. so it ends", _because time has at last ran out, and there is no point in denying it.

There is only one way this can end – Loki know this – and yet his own ever-active mind … one more of those things that had drawn him and the detective together so long ago …. cannot so simply give in to the fact, because in the too-little time he'd had with Holmes in that life, for all that he'd failed to realize until it was too late, he had learned the other's mannerisms, and for all that many differ in this new incarnation, he imagines that enough remains the same for him to be able to read those unspoken gestures…. and the mortal's tone when he'd spoken just moments earlier does not tell Loki what he expects to hear.

Where Holmes had been stoically reserved, Tony is more bitingly sarcastic in a far more obvious way. Where the detective had hidden his human emotions beneath the façade of non-existence, the inventor hides them behind a mask of bitter humor and false smiles…. but in the end, both of these obvious traits boil down to armor, and Loki suspects that the differences in the way this shell is shaped are entirely due to the social factors that had changed in just over a century.

The rest is almost entirely unchanged…. unsettlingly so…. and it is the calm confidence in those words that bothers Loki the most – because it doesn't match with the steely coolness with which Holmes would manage to civilly converse with his worst enemies, it isn't the armored veneer that even his closest friend could rarely ever see past. This calm is something more open, more honest…. and though Loki can tell that the mortal is far from relaxed in making this request – demand, whatever – the currents that bubble in the mortal's tone are more ones of curiosity and an uncharacteristic amount of uncertainty that what _should_ be there.

Descending the stairs, Loki sighs once more, because despite all the similarities he sees between the two, he cannot help but thinks that it is only a masterful deception – his best so far – with which he has blinded himself to reality…. because his assessment of the mortal's state of mind based on his voice alone…. simply cannot be right.

Trying to ignore the feeling of ice seeping though his veins, Loki raises his hand to knock on the locked door, but never gets the chance because it unlocks in response to his arrival, and torn between what he knows and the reality which contradicts, he pulls the door open and steps into the controlled chaos within the shop.

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	11. Chapter 11

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: Singer Salvage, EmeraldWings90, IONCTM, Abandon-Morality, Dazja, NinjaxxxApocalypse, MilkyWayGalaxy, and Foxyperv. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) In case I'm not back to update for a couple weeks (which I probably won't be), Happy Holidays to all!

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"Ah, so you didn't sprout rhizomes after all…. could'a fooled me, what with all the green you wear."

Despite himself, Loki laughs, chuckles really – how can he not, who else would have dared say that - until the sound dies off in a strangled noise he desperately hopes wasn't akin to a sob, because the mortal hasn't even turned to look at him, focused entirely on a diorama of multicolored strands of light that branch out in the air around him – holograms if Loki remembers the Midgardian term correctly – and it looks so much like the detective's 'spiders web' with which he'd tracked down the consulting criminal who had for all effects and purposes killed him….. that every bit of the grief and loss and hopelessness eating at Loki bubbles up, strangling him.

Despite himself, though …. despite the fact that he should keep his distance for the mortal's sake at least, Loki steps closer, fascinated by the way the mortal's fingers manipulate the intangible light rays…. entranced by his mind which is centuries ahead of the world as it always has been…. because Loki can't help but be drawn to that, just like in his previous life, even if then he hadn't known he was a monster…. and again, he suddenly recoils as if burned, because he recognizes some of the images that float at the ends of those strands of light… sees some of the illustrations from various Midgardian myths about him…. and realizes that it is he who the mortal is investigating this time.

Perhaps his nightmares were right after all…. because he is the modern equivalent of the deranged sadistic professor…. as he only ever could be…. a monster by blood, and who else, what else could have ever tried to murder the mortal he had once loved?

"Whoa…. you okay there? Earth to Loki!"

It's the mortal's voice that snaps him out of his thoughts, and Loki look up again, regretting it immediately as he takes in the fact that the mortal is literally standing just inches away from him, looking at him with an indefinable emotion in his eyes which encompasses sympathy that should not exist – and which reminds him only too well, too bitterly, of that exact same expression in the detective's gaze when Loki had realized that their love could never be realized and decided to leave Midgard but hadn't known how to tell the mortal – and just over his head, connected to the red strands of the diorama, freeze-frames of the battle where he'd almost killed Tony…. zoomed in to show the two of them only.

Stepping back, Loki wishes he could laugh – laugh at the ingenious cruelty of it all, laugh because this isn't a blessing as Thor would like to think but the cruelest punishment anyone could have ever dreamed up for him…. because it hurts it hurts it hurts… it claws at his insides, suffocating him, and nothing can make it stop.

The mortal's voice strikes him like lightning – jars him like a strike from Mjolnir – but not nearly as much as the hand that rests on his shoulder, because this touch should bring pain but it is nothing if not reassuring, and it matches the sympathy softening the blatant curiosity:

"Really, what's eating at you, Loki?"

No, this isn't punishment, this is a nightmare – it only gets worse – because he has to be loosing his mind, because this mirrors exactly what Holmes had said to him on their last day together _"What's troubling you, Loki?"_…. because though the detective had known for a while about his powers, he had trapped Loki in the hallway of the rooms they had so briefly shared, trusting him not to hurt him, when he stopped the immortal's movement away from him with one hand on his shoulder that he could have so easily pushed away were he so inclined…. and it can't be, because this touch is that of a friend, close to that of a lover, even…. not the mortal he'd very nearly sent to an agonizing death…. not that of someone who can never trust him, not after all this.

Apparently the fact registers in the mortal's mind too, because he suddenly lifts his hand away and steps back – as well he should – except Loki thinks for a brief second that the mortal's expression is one of confusion, not fear….. and he knows that he simply has to be deceiving himself by now, but it's easier, easier than remembering how he'd reluctantly answered the detective's question…. how he had explained that what they had shared was doomed, and in so doing, cut short what they could have shared, never knowing how little time the detective had left.

Seemingly having found something he's been looking for, the mortal walks though the rays of light, severing some of the strings as he discards some information he must have just now deemed irrelevant, and then turns again to Loki, finishing with a still too-cavalier:

"You look like a kicked puppy."

The ridiculous comparison is enough to snap Loki out of his memories – a mercy, really – and for just a few moments he can pretend that he isn't trapped in the one nightmare which can still hurt him after all those that he's made himself numb to, replying in what he hopes is his normal carefree tone, as he takes in the SHIELD file on him suspended there with the rest of the information in Tony's web:

"I'm **insulted**, Stark…. those myths are miserably inaccurate."

At that, the mortal laughs – actually laughs – severing all the green strands with a sharp cutting motion of one hand, letting the mythology illustrations vanish, before replying with a clearly skeptical:

"Uh-uh."

Wishing to change the topic, before the mortal lets his disbelief reach the point of becoming a question - because Loki had never been truly able to deceive Holmes and that might not have changed – Loki asks one of his own, attempting nonchalance as he gestures to the web of damning reality:

"Do you usually do this?"

Tony's reply is entirely relaxed, confident, proud even… despite the fact that he should be wary:

"The holographic interface? I use that for everything – I built it myself…. the diorama? no – you're a knottier problem than the architecture of my suit."

And Loki can't help but react – because when the mortal said problem he thought immediately 'enemy', as he only could have interpreted the word…. but now he knows it was meant in the sense of a riddle…. a question that demands to be answered…. which is exactly what Holmes had said to him all those years ago when they had first met, without so much blood and pain between them….. without having been enemies…. and Loki finally breaks, hoping the rage in his tone will hide the tears in his eyes:

"What is wrong with you, mortal? I tried to kill you… why do you have me here? what do you want with me?"

He hopes, desperately prays, that finally his outburst of anger will have provoked enough fear on Tony's part that the inventor will not have noticed his voice hitch on that second part…. hopes that he'll come to his senses and end this as it can only ever end…. but he only gets part of his wish, because though the mortal makes no indication that he noticed that suspicious breaking of Loki's tone, he also doesn't even flinch, instead calmly replying:

"Yeah, I probably should be bothered by that…. but the truth is… I'm more bothered by the fact that you saved me….. and as for what I want, Loki…. I want answers, for starters…. you fascinate me."

Loki swallows hard, choked by the fresh wave of pain as again this incarnation mirrors his previous too-short life, from his persistence and insatiable curiosity, right down to his near-unshakeable stoicism at times…. because what can he say to that? There is nothing left to tell – nothing that matters now that he's a monster rather than a variety of god… now that he tried to kill the mortal - and correctly interpreting his silence, the mortal moves away, changing a couple connections in his web, before saying with a small smug smile:

"I guess I'm going to have to figure it out myself…. fine."

Fighting back the pain that wells up in him, trying not to let it show as he looks at the frozen image of his mortal love, dying by his own hand…. tries not to think about the blood streaming though his lips, choking him…. and the complex mix of emotions in that gaze which had revealed to Loki the entire cruel** horrifying **truth - not now that the mortal is studying him closely, observing his reaction as it were - Loki almost flinches as the images shrink again, dispersed to the edges of the enormous web as the mortal brushes them away as if insignificant and comes to stand in front of him…. so close, so **vulnerable**, despite the fact that Loki knows Tony has taken some safety precautions, reassuring him quietly…. gently even:

"I will figure out why, Loki."

And at that, the dam breaks…. because for all that it doesn't matter, for all that the past in another lifetime can never make up for his crimes against the mortal in this one…. Loki cannot help but wish it were true, because maybe then the mortal wouldn't hate him quite as much…. maybe he could at least know that Loki wasn't always the destroyer of worlds and that he once had it in him to love, for all that it could never save what he murdered when he tried to kill Tony….. but even that can never happen, and it's too much to bear so he replies quietly…. brokenly:

"You can't…."

Those words are as final – and as devastating – as that last silent look that the detective had given his friend before leaping to his death….. and just as bitterly hopeless, because even Holmes who solved these kinds of riddles for all of his life wouldn't have been able to solve this…. because reincarnation was in the realm of 'impossible', not 'improbable' for the detective, and that hasn't changed.

Despite that, Tony scoffs – as Loki already knew he would, given the idea of a mental limitation – and replies, more gently than Loki could have ever expected, reaching for and expanding two of the still images from that fateful battle, this time of Loki, one of gleeful madness, the other of the devastation that had followed so quickly:

"Yeah, well, at least I know where to start looking…. because something changed for you between this point in time and this one…. and that narrows it down quite significantly."

Loki almost laughs, despite himself…. because aside from Holmes, he'd never met anyone who could look so calmly and detachedly at an event that had been so horrifyingly painful for him…. anyone who could refer to it as just another piece of data…. and never thought he would again, but even the inevitable amusement doesn't last long, doesn't lift the shroud of hopelessness enveloping him – or the flickers of something too weak to even be hope as the mortal continues, perceptive as ever:

"…. and even if it doesn't… I have to, Loki…. because sometimes, when you look at me, I can swear you're looking at someone else….. because you're walking around like you're trapped in your worst nightmare, and I've never seen you look this defeated and…. broken….ever before… not even when we've all taken turns smashing your head into the nearest hard surface….."

Unable to take any more, Loki turns on his heel and walks out…. because it hurts too much, because the mortal is correct as always… because he sounds like he cares…. and Loki cannot sit by and listen to ephemeral words that give him hopes which can only be cruelly untrue…. cannot let his desperation lead him to believing in a dream world which will crash and burn like the rest of his dreams, even if it is all he deserves.

And despite that, despite his efforts to avoid any more misery… because even he can't take any more …. it isn't enough, because as he collapses out of sight on the stairs, through the soundproof glass that would have kept a mortal from hearing anything within, he can barely make out words not meant for his ears:

"…. and because I just can't shake the feeling that I **know** you, Loki."

As suffocating silence falls, following that statement, Loki sighs bitterly, before wandering aimlessly back to his room, because Tony **cannot** remember Loki, cannot remember his previous life, or anyone in it…. not Loki, not Watson, or even Moriarty - the only memories Loki's grateful that the mortal has lost despite the fact it probably makes Loki a hypocrite - because Holmes, everything he learned and lived, is gone forever, and there is no bringing that back.

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	12. Chapter 12

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: Roseglass, Dazja, Fireotaku18, zero kiriyu is all mine, simply anonymous, I.C.2014. MilkyWayGalaxy, Foxyperv, Freywa, ashanti11, tsuki107, Mirage Alcedame, and Reader-anonymous-writer. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) As always, I'm terribly sorry for the long wait. College, family issues, and an AWOL muse are ... well, you know.

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Loki only gets one night of solitude, before he is all but dragged out of his self-imposed isolation, by Tony whose voice comes over the intercom, assured and unreadable as ever:

"Breakfast time, Reindeer Games."

Despite the grief that flares within Loki, because the nicknaming is new – probably the product of a changed time - but the attitude is very much Holmes, he manages to reply in what he hopes is an equally unreadable tone:

"It's past noon."

A yawn comes over the intercom, followed by an unaffected:

"Eh, irrelevant.", and Loki can only sigh again, feeling the black misery rising up to engulf him again. His detective had always the most irregular of sleep schedules.

This time it's annoyance – and a ridiculous amount of self-assuredness – that fills the mortal's tone as he calls out, a few seconds later:

"Really, that's how you want to play this? 'Cause it's epically not funny. What? Do I have to put on the suit to drag you out of there before Thor breaks my house down in an attempt to dig you out?"

It's an attempt at humor – a brand of it that Loki knows too well – but he can't laugh, not when he remembers the metal of that armor splintering under the force of his attack, not when he remembers the blood welling up between the jagged edges – not with who Tony is – and Loki can't keep the bitterness from his tone or the self-loathing as he replies, wishing that the mortal would just leave him to his misery:

"As if that protected you so well the last time, mortal."

"Yeah, well, I've upgraded."

Tony's reply is blithely unconcerned, but the silence that had preceded it had lasted just a second too long for his tone to have been anything but a stoic mask; just like when Holmes had sat down with wounds still raw and bleeding for a chess-match with the man who'd tortured him - and though there had been no living witnesses there for Loki to glean memories from, he'd known the detective long enough to know exactly how he would have behaved.

The similarity burns and aches, but not as much as the next words out of the mortal's mouth, softer now, less guarded, even though Loki can imagine the moral smirking:

"Or of course if you don't want to bond with the Avengers, I can come to you."

It is anger which fills Loki's tone now – because Holmes had always taken too many risks with his life, and apparently everything that happened to him hadn't taught him a thing – and it is easier to give in to that emotion than the flicker of hope stemming from the mortal's whispered admission the other day when he though no-one could hear him, so Loki snaps back, more angry than vindictive now:

"You are… unbelievable, Stark."

He'd thought to say "insane" at first, but arguably Moriarty was insane among other things. This mortal is something else entirely different – special – but he isn't shooting for a compliment, and 'eccentric' doesn't have any real bite to it. Hell, the mortal being who he is, he'd probably take it as a compliment, maybe even laugh at it.

Tony laughs, replying breathlessly: "It's one of my finer qualities", and again, the reminders are so strong that Loki cannot reply.

Nonetheless, he can't imagine being alone in a room with the mortal he'd once loved, then grieved, and finally tried to kill when he'd at last been given another chance with him - and he isn't a masochist - so without another word, Loki rises from the chair he's been curled up in all night and exits his room, only to almost trip over Thor.

Maybe then, Loki thinks as a distraction, Tony hadn't been joking about Thor being prepared to invite himself in via Mjolnir. More likely, the ridiculously loyal fool was waiting for him there all night.

In any case, as he settles down unwillingly to eat - and sees Romanoff glaring at him from her perch by a window, looking for all the world like she's imagining garroting him with the string of the blinds; to say nothing of Barton who is spending too much time poring over the kitchen knives, or Rogers who is looming over them all while Banner is studiously listening to classical music on his earphones and doing his best to ignore him – Loki decides that having Thor next to him is probably a good thing.

He is capable of protecting himself, of course, but Tony probably wouldn't be especially happy if Loki spilled his teammates' blood all over his living room.

This way, for the moment, they seem content with making exactly what they think of him entirely obvious, and Loki is good at ignoring that – and making sure they know it.

He can't ignore the weight of Tony's gaze on him though when the mortal finally joins them, and he looks up, only to quickly avert his eyes again – because the mortal has stains all over his shirt, hair sticking up in every direction, and disheveled as he is from whatever he's been working on, he resembles his former incarnation too much.

Where there was before the scent of chemicals, poisons even, now there is motor oil and burned flux. Where narcotics had been his vice before, now there's alcohol – in the end he has a lid on both - and where Holmes had been alone except for his one confidante and friend, Watson, Tony has a team.

Except even that is not different in reality, because for all the people around Tony he hasn't opened up to any of them…. not in the ways that matter, and even surrounded by so many he is ever alone.

Even if he tried, they wouldn't understand him.

The truth is that where Holmes had only Watson – who eventually moved on – Tony has JARVIS who he created to never leave him.

At least in that much, something has changed, but the mortal deserves more - for all he's given and all he will give – and despite the fact that Loki wonders if maybe he is a person that the mortal could share his life with – because once they could have had that - he doesn't look up to meet the mortal's questioning gaze.

He has no right to be that person. Not anymore.

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	13. Chapter 13

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: fireotaku18, FireSenshi2, tsuki107, MilkyWayGalaxy, Foxyperv, Reader-anonymous-writer. Maia2, Crystal Night, Guest, wolftattoo, and Satosen. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks to anyone who faved or followed, it is most encouraging.

2) Sorry for the long wait. College, family issues and an AWOL muse have been taking their toll.

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For almost two weeks following that uneasy meeting, everything settles into a strange uncomfortable sort of equilibrium, now at Stark Tower rather than Tony's Malibu home.

Just as reclusive as in his previous life, Tony spends most of his time in his shop and though the door always opens to Loki - for it is no secret that the mortal is still trying to figure him out and making every effort to obtain as much information as he can – Loki never goes there.

Instead he tries to avoid any direct contact with the mortal while inwardly reveling in the agonizing precious moments of superficial proximity that are all which can ever be left to him for as long as this lasts, and studiously ignores the other Avengers who continue to watch him warily, but for the most part have no interest in interacting with him at all.

It is Thor who of course fits into neither category, if only because he refuses to be ignored, choosing instead to be constantly by Loki's side unless Tony is there, all the while pretending that they are still brothers and that the past years have not happened, or at least don't matter; and for all that Loki would love to hate him for it, he just doesn't have the energy.

In the quiet moments that Loki is rarely left alone, he wonders when the massing clouds of despair which crackle with barely ignored tension will give way to the first storm.

He wonders when the first fight will erupt, despite his ridiculous choice to sign on as a consultant of SHIELD regarding all things magical – the only way they would let him stay here under Tony's supervision – and he'll loose even the bittersweet solace of being at least able to see the mortal living and breathing and healing with each day; because when this fight erupts, inevitably blood will be spilt, and this time, there will be no undeserved forgiveness to be found, because like in his previous life, Tony will absolve the spilling of his own blood but not that of others.

Sitting in the kitchen Loki looks up from breakfast to the TV where one of Tony's press conferences is being replayed, choosing to distract himself from the dark thoughts churning within his mind, and the gnawing worry for Tony who has taken his first flight in the armor since his last near-death experience, for though Loki knows that the mortal is recovered enough to do this safely, he can't help but feel anxious.

To Loki's growing ire, the reason for the repetition becomes quickly obvious when in the replayed clip, someone in the crowd – with obvious political motivations and possibly a hand in the New York mayor's pocket or pulling his strings – had challenged Tony, stating that he had a hard time understanding the factual basis for one of SI's latest business moves, while lacing his supposed concern for the company with enough innuendo to make any citizen foolish enough to actually trust that liar have a serious reserve of distrust for anything Tony Stark or his company did.

In any case, though, Loki's anger evaporates in the face of Tony's response:

"Yes, you do have a hard time understanding the facts."

And he can only laugh in that moment because it is exactly what the detective would have said, delivered in precisely the same way, and in rare moments like this, Loki can forget even if for mere instants that Holmes had died - forget his fights with the Avengers and his own attempt to kill Tony - and instead pretend that he and the detective had managed to find their way into the future together.

"God, he is so unbelievably…. arrogant."

The Captain, Loki thinks numbly, not letting the disapproval dripping from Rogers's tone tarnish the rare flicker of happiness he feels.

"No shit, Sherlock."

This time the response comes from the Black Widow – with amusement more than annoyance at Tony's behavior to which she has apparently become accustomed – and yet it is her words that cut to Loki's core, engendering in him a flinch that he's unable to entirely suppress, because it has felt like forever since he'd heard the mortal's given name spoken, and never in that way.

His day becomes infinitely worse when Thor picks the wrong moment to be perceptive - though Loki knows it is part of his brother's efforts to bridge the chasm that had opened between them - and noticing Loki's subtle reaction, asks Romanoff:

"Who?"

The Widow doesn't answer - instead opting to focus on the screen again, entering some data into her handheld computer - but her partner, Hawkeye does:

"A fictional detective in Victorian England…. Stark's actually got the book in the library"

The conversation continues from there, something involving the Captain questioning the possibility of Tony even having actual physical books, and then joking upon hearing Barton's confirmation of the fact: "Well, how would I know. I'm not the one looking to make nests on the top of shelves."

Something about the wave of laughter that follows snaps what little is left of Loki's tolerance for this … **nightmare**…. For aside from Thor who understands and isn't laughing, how dare they laugh when such a great man with no superhuman team to back him up had sacrificed everything for such an unworthy world? How dare they deny the reality of his life and death?

Giving vent to his boiling rage in the least destructive way he can think of, Loki snarls: "He wasn't fictional." before turning away before any of them can see the tears welling in his eyes, the rage and pain erupting from within him because Holmes deserved to be remembered … but the world he saved had forgotten him.

Needing the solace of being proved wrong – though a work of fiction is a paltry tribute at best – Loki angrily jabs the button to call the elevator, and this time, uncharacteristically, JARVIS doesn't make him pointlessly wait.

As the machines carry him swiftly to the floor with the library, and JARVIS actually for the first time answers a query of his, helping him to locate the book he is seeking, Loki wonders idly whether the computer's assistance in this case is in fact sympathy – because who else but Tony could have made a computer that perceptive – or an effort to perform damage control before an actual fight breaks out.

Perhaps, more likely than any of the prior explanations, Loki tells himself, it is part of an effort by the computer to gather data on his behavior. In any case, he decides that none of these questions matter as he settles onto one of the numerous couches in the room and begins to read.

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	14. Chapter 14

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews and/or encouragement goes to: Dazja, RoseGlass, MilkyWayGalaxy, helenxxx, Maia2, Foxyperv, wolftattoo, psycobookcollector, and Satosen. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can (might take me a couple days though. Sorry).

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) I'm very sorry for the long wait. Work, family issues and an AWOL muse have been taking their toll. To make things even more complicated, a dear and physically somewhat disabled relative who loves gardening (on the big prickly tree scale instead of little flower beds) has enlisted my help, and I don't have the heart to turn them down.

3) So here is an update finally, sorry it is short. Muse problems. One more thing is: I completely love the Holmes cannon (have a copy in fact in every room I'm likely to read in) but since for purposes of this fic I am assuming that in my universe my version of AGOS is historical, Loki might have reason not to be too thrilled. I'm not expressing my own views on the books.

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In a flash of white-hot rage, Loki hurls the tome at the window, snarling when the glass doesn't break, and the book only bounces back toward him, pages flipping open as it falls.

The anguish rises up again full-force as he bends to place it back on the shelf, and the last lines of the "Final Problem" swim blurrily before his eyes.

It feels as if it's taunting him, and though intellectually he knows that the book only opened there because of how long he'd spent staring at those words, it doesn't lessen the pain so he puts his fist through the window, before pacing back to grab the offending book and send it flying in a perfect arc through the air and out the hole he punched in the glass.

Then with nothing left to vent his rage on, Loki sinks down, back against the couch, cradling his injured hand to his chest, and involuntarily, irrationally, he pillows his head on his knees and breaks down crying, because the truths of the detective's life have been whitewashed, especially with how he'd met his end.

Were A.C. Doyle alive, Loki would have taken it up with him, would have demanded to know who had edited Watson's journals and changed the timeline – and the guilty party would rue the day they ever though of it – but they are long dead and it doesn't matter any more.

And though Loki is certain that there was no malice involved, because people need to believe in heroes and who wants a hero who can bleed, be severely injured and die? Who wants a hero who knew that he was going to be defeated? Who wants the truth when one can just change the timelines and edit out the proofs of human vulnerability and give the public a man who is untouchable and undefeatable, even in the face of death itself?

Why tell them that he died preventing a war and let humanity understand what it had lost by being so willing to give in to mindless bloodshed when one can spare everyone the moral conflicts and lessen the stakes, only to pull off a miraculous survival and then write past events as having taken place after the hero's resurrection?

For nearly anyone else, it would have been a fitting tribute, but not to Holmes who had loved truth above all things, not to the detective who understood the meaning of sacrifice and saw the world for what it was while never stopping trying to make sure that it could become something better. Not for the mortal man who knew only too well his own physical limitations for all that he chose to disregard them in the name of justice.

Loki knows he doesn't deserve a say in any of this, but it hurts even more because had Holmes not been willingly so endangered by his chosen profession Loki would not have admired him as he did - because the mortal's life which ultimately he traded in for the world was made all the more precious by virtue of its inherent fragility – and as much as he'd feared how it would inevitably end, he'd also loved the mortal for it.

Holmes deserved better.

He deserves better in this life, but despite the freedom of information in this modern age, in the end, people believe what they want to believe. Loki has seen the press-reports on Tony Stark.

Buried in his own grief, Loki doesn't realize that Thor is standing beside him until the Thunderer speaks, voice uncharacteristically soft, apparently having witnessed more than Loki would have ever liked him to see:

"Will you never tell him, brother?"

He wants to lash out, to snarl at his not-brother and be left alone in his misery, but the words die in his throat when the Thunderer drops to the floor beside him, pulling Loki close as if they are children once more – and tired, so tired, of this crushing guilt and desolation, he clings to his once-sibling like a lifeline, shedding tears that can never make any difference and yet must be released nonetheless, choking out finally:

"I can't. "

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	15. Chapter 15

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews, encouragement, and great ideas goes to: Arina Lakhanda, silverbluerose, ChubbyTabby, Maia2, MilkyWayGalaxy, psycobookcollector, Foxyperv,, Dazja, Guest, Ocicat, .Barton, and FoxBitten. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can (and anyone I failed to respond to last time :-)

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) Sorry once again for the long wait. trying to wrap up the prickly tree care and starting College again, Whew.

3) I've been bashing heads with my uncooperative muse. She's flighty, I'm tired, so I hope this makes sense.

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Tony lets out a delirious whoop of joy as he executes a perfect loop-de-loop in the air, reveling in the freedom of flight - which he had missed more than he'd care to admit - and then decides to drop by his Malibu home and retrieve some old projects of his to tinker with – everything has been fairly quiet since Loki moved in, and there's only so many times he can upgrade the same systems or hack into SHIELD before it becomes boring– when JARVIS's voice echoes in his helmet, sounding more perplexed than concerned:

"Sir, there has been an incident involving Loki."

"Please tell me he hasn't thrown anyone out of a window.", Tony replies, swerving in mid-air and setting a course for Stark Tower , despite inwardly doubting that what he asked has happened. After all, Loki – for reasons Tony hasn't quite deciphered, though the closest he can get is some weird kind of attachment the god apparently sprouted toward him over the course of fractions of a second on that rooftop while he'd been busy dying – seems rather content to be living with him, and Tony doubts Loki would have started anything.

JARVIS sounds amused, more than anything, when he replies – evasively, and starts to stream the surveillance video:

"Not quite, Sir. I recommend that you see it for yourself."

Were Tony not quite so stricken by Loki's snarled – pained – words, he might have threatened to turn down JARVIS's snarkiness, which would have of course resulted in more of the same being spoken into his ear. As things are, he is having too much hard time getting over the idea that his childhood hero was a real living human being.

Focusing again on trying to predict how the admittedly tense situation had become a fight, Tony muses that while he doesn't think Loki was angry enough to blow up – not quite - the others, ironically, Tony is perhaps a little less sure of.

Natasha definitely wouldn't have lost her cool, and neither would Clint – despite his quite valid grudge with Loki – but there was always the matter of Bruce's anger management issue, and though Tony trusts the Hulk – who seems to have taken a liking to him anyway – there is no reason to think that the Big Green Guy would see Loki as anything other than an undersized piñata especially since the god had almost killed Tony in their last skirmish.

Nah, Tony shakes his head, continuing to review the footage playing back on his HUD – all peaceful so far, now that the potential fight dissipated and Loki is sitting and reading – as he decides that it hadn't been Bruce. Bruce had been fairly cautious about not letting out the Other Guy since Loki had saved Tony's life, and he was a lot better than others - Steve comes to mind - gave him credit for at keeping his moody alter-ego under control.

Steve, Tony thinks, with more than a little distaste. Sure they were learning to coexist, and did make a fairly good team, but the holier-than-thou Captain sure could get under people's skin – he routinely got under Tony's, even when it didn't involve Howard Stark – and Tony can actually imagine Steve pissing Loki into a fight, except that Steve wouldn't knowingly start one, he's too much of a boy scout for that.

Which leaves Tony back to deciding that this incident couldn't possibly have been a fight precipitated out of the almost palpable tension filling his tower – JARVIS is too calm for it to have been that anyway – and he finds himself impatiently waiting for Loki to do something other than just reading.

He can't see Loki's expression – the cameras are mounted too high for that – or this might have been interesting, so Tony lets half his mind drift into reviewing the flight data on his armor's left gauntlet which isn't firing optimally, narrowing down what parts of it might need repair, while swerving between skyscrapers at the maximum velocity possible, because after all, he's never been able to endure boredom.

Tony recognizes the exact moment Loki's mood starts to run foul – he sees it in the subtle shifting of Loki's position that he somehow knows screams of anger and grief that only builds with each line that the fallen god reads.

When Loki's emotions reach the bifurcation point, and he tries to defenestrate the book – something Tony knows isn't going to work as his mind automatically runs the numbers – his follow-up reaction of putting his hand through the glass and then tossing the offending book through the hole is less surprising than it should be.

Shit, Tony thinks, piecing the clues together. Sherlock Holmes had been real, and Loki had loved him – which unsurprisingly hadn't ended well since, for starters, the detective was mortal and Loki wasn't.

Sure he could have assumed the opposite, but the devastation enveloping Loki as he sinks to the floor, all but sobbing, leaves room for only one explanation, with admittedly some variants possible thereto.

Tony's fairly sure that Loki had loved the Great Detective – and that the literary version of his life had somehow pissed Loki off - but had he been in love with him?

Tony tries the idea on for size, then tables it pending further data. Sure it wasn't acceptable in those times, but Holmes hadn't exactly seemed to give a bloody hell about other people's restrictions and Loki was literally out of this world, so why not?

Since when, Tony asks himself, chuckling at the private joke, does he mentally curse in Briticisms? JARVIS would have had a field day with this if he could read minds.

If it was possible, Tony becomes even more confused by the final exchange between the brothers – for all Loki refuses to acknowledge the fact it is shockingly obvious that they'll always be brothers no matter what – because he has always had the feeling that somehow Loki's now-obvious mourning for his lost love is something which relates to Tony, and this exchange confirms it… but what is the connection?

Dropping to the pavement in a perfect three-point landing, and entering at the ground level of his tower, Tony pats DUM-E appreciatively on his robotic claws as they enter the service elevator, lifting his faceplate as he says softly "Good boy" and cannot help but smile at the robot's answering chirrup.

He thanks his 'bot as the evidence is handed over – a good thing that DUM-E had retrieved it when he did since it doesn't normally rain books in New York, and Tony isn't especially interested in seeing this wind up in the wrong hands - especially not with Loki's blood on it – or fond of possibly missing the chance to find what **precisely** had set Loki off.

Oddly, perhaps again, he is less than surprised by what he reads after sending DUM-E off to charge and saving some of Loki's blood for a DNA analysis – something he couldn't resist for curiosity's sake after looking at the last available image of Loki and seeing the cuts entirely closed.

This particular work had never quite sat right with Tony, because he'd never entirely been able to wrap his mind around the idea that Moriarty had contented himself with tossing bricks off roofs in an effort to kill Holmes, or that said Detective had gotten away from those attentions with some scraped fingers, however much of a formidable fighter he was.

At some instinctual level, in his mind, he always had imagines that the criminal mastermind had been brutal and cruel, and that at some point this clash would have become physical – bloody – just has he cannot help but think that Moriarty would have targeted Watson from the start as well. What better way to hurt Holmes than to attack his heart, after all?

Holmes's goodbye letter seemed to indicate that Watson's absence from a fight that likely would have killed him had been Moriarty's plan, but Tony had always thought - even as a child hiding from his father's drunken anger and disappointment with these very books as solace - that Holmes would have wanted his only friend to think that, but likely had lured Watson away himself.

Now he is faced with the possibility that even this is far more inaccurate than he thought, and it's not that surprising, because the idea of Holmes surviving that encounter had never quite sat right with him, and it wasn't for a lack of wanting his hero to always come out on top.

Somehow he'd always known that at times sacrifices were necessary. This had sounded like one of those times to him despite the inexplicably fortunate turn of events that never had made sense to Tony.

Now, he cannot help but think, with more certainty that ever that the – actually not fictional – detective hadn't in fact survived.

He can see why people would have wanted to believe otherwise, but Loki's reaction confirms his – admittedly less than entirely founded – theory.

He could have assumed that Loki hadn't known what had become of Holmes – because clearly he did die at some point – and only learned that missing information recently, hence his pained anger, but there were tales of the detective set after his return, and Tony knows that Loki had – very - briefly perused the first of them before returning to the last page of the "Final Problem" and reaching critical mass, and if this theory were correct, Loki wouldn't have reacted as he did.

Besides, gut instinct – which has always been scarily accurate when he has had the sense to listen to it– tells him that his working theory is the correct one, and sitting at one of the workstations in his lab as he begins to dismantle his left gauntlet for repair, he calls out to JARVIS:

"JARVIS, could you kindly call Loki up here?"

"Certainly, Sir, though I would imagine he is not likely to come given his current mood."

JARVIS backs up his reply with a live feed which shows Loki awake but curled up miserably in his room again, apparently having ran out of anger, and Tony smiles fractionally at his newest idea for an experiment as he replies:

"Fine, tell him I need his help, expediently."

The change that comes over Loki as JARVIS relays this new message is obvious, though not enough by Tony's standards because he cannot help but wish Loki wasn't so damn miserable – whatever he's done, this is just awful - and the immortal breezes by his brother who had been waiting outside his door, entirely ignored, in his haste to answer Tony's summons.

Tony just hopes that his annoyance with a problem that for once he truly cannot seem to solve alone, is justification enough for urgent summons, since in his experience, people wallowing in misery tend to prefer being left to it, and Loki doesn't seem to be an exception in that regard.

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	16. Chapter 16

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews, encouragement, and great ideas goes to: , Maia2, Reader-anonymous-writer, MilkyWayGalaxy, Dazja, Lilywonders, fan girl 666, Aki WildQueen, lionesspuma. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) I know the waiting has been ridiculous. Now I'm up to my neck in college, work and a frikkin garage remodel for family. Whew. Still, sorry I kept you all waiting.

3) I've been bashing heads with my uncooperative muse yet again. She's flighty, I'm always tired now, so I hope this doesn't dissapoint.

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Tony doesn't look up as Loki enters, pausing in the threshold as he decides that the mortal isn't indeed in any immediate danger, but still the mortal beckons him over to sit on the nearby stool, and when Loki complies, before he has the chance to say anything, pliers – gripping in their tips a coil obviously charged with repulsor energy which is still attached to the piece of armor Tony has disassembled - are pushed into his hands:

"Hold on to those for me, would you?"

Loki sighs - sitting closer to the mortal than he has been in quite a while … aches deep inside him – and replies wearily:

"This is not why you called me."

"Eh", Tony shrugs, motioning with his head at one of his robots:

"True, it isn't, but you are here, and you are not about to get glitchy when this fires off the occasional low-yield EMP."

Loki smiles slightly at that statement and flexes his fingers as the coil twists in his hold. Were he human, this would have been a near-impossible task, but he isn't, and it requires little enough effort that he is free to just observe his reincarnated mortal love – who looks so much like in his former life, absorbed in the task at hand as he is, that Loki cannot help but see all the similarities and none of the differences.

He almost jumps at the mortal's words when finally he speaks:

"So, Sherlock Holmes was real then, and … he was important to you?"

Loki doesn't reply – can't reply though the burning knot in the back of his throat – but he sees in Tony's eyes that the rawness of his reaction had been answer enough, no turning back now, and there is no reason left not to reply to Tony's next question:

"Then were you lovers or was it something strictly intellectual?"

The mortal doesn't sound like he prefers any particular answer, though the fact that he has to ask at all, that every memory had been stripped from him, grates more than Loki can truly bear.

Still he forces himself to answer quietly, looking anywhere but at Tony:

"At first, it was intellectual… and then eventually, yes, we were lovers, just once… before a famous writer was imprisoned and ruined for far less than what we had done, and I left this world, unwilling to be Holmes's ruin, because I could have kept him safe from their brand of justice, but he'd still have lost everything had we been discovered."

Tony nods, absorbing this information, and when he does speak again, his quiet tone is gentler, more understanding, than Loki has allowed himself to expect:

"He didn't survive at the Falls, did he?"

Loki's eyes snap up to meet the mortal's – stricken by a wave of pain as he cannot help but be reminded of Holmes in one of those more vulnerable moments that their time together had at long last allowed Loki to glimpse – trembling inside with equal parts devastating loss and admiration because there is more of Holmes alive in Tony Stark than Loki had ever dared hope, and he chokes out finally:

"No, he'd already been badly injured by Moriarty, and then with the icy temperature of the water, and the force with which he hit it … By the time I found out, it was too late."

Loki trails off, unwilling to relive those terrible memories again in greater detail, but it turns out he doesn't need to, because Tony's hand is suddenly resting over his, as the mortal says sincerely – despite the fact that he's the last person in the world Loki should be recieving comfort from – tone soft:

"And at some level, you blamed yourself for not being there. You've never stopped. Don't do this to yourself, Loki."

Loki can only laugh bitterly, before falling silent as Tony continues, pulling his hand away as if realizing only now that he'd reacted on instinct, moving it to his chest where his fingers tap out a restless beat on the surface of his Arc-reactor:

"I uh… I had a friend once. He befriended me even though he had no real reason for doing so while we were stuck in a cave together for three months. He also saved my life, twice… but I couldn't save his."

The mortal's tone breaks, and Loki has to fight not to reach out in kind and attempt to offer some comfort, reminding himself that the mortal has no reason to trust him. Then Tony roughly runs a hand through his hair, dropping it back to the table as he turns to listlessly stare at the machinery laid out there, finishing wearily, tone raw and tired:

"He died, right before my eyes, and it still feels like it was my fault – it certainly was my weapons that killed him, and he'd been buying me time to get to safety - but he was also the first person to look at me and see something more than a drunk and bloody playboy… and I know he wouldn't have wanted me destroying myself with regrets."

Loki almost wants to laugh – bitterly - because this incarnation of his lost love is an **expert** at burdening himself unnecessarily with regrets that are not his to shoulder, something that hadn't been a problem in his last life, but he bites back the comment, deciding that this is not the time or the place.

Tony makes a visible effort to force back the raw grief – one more thing that hasn't changed because Holmes in any incarnation treasured his few friends above all things, even if this later one is more open – and speaks again, voice steadier:

"I never knew your detective, but if he was the kind of man I'd imagine him to be, and given your affections for one another, I think he'd have wanted to see you happy – not destroying yourself like this – and I'd also imagine that he'd never have blamed you."

Loki smiles through the pain and the tears that threaten, because Tony's assumptions are all spot on – of course they'd be, he hadn't known the detective, he'd been the detective – and Loki had seen as much through the Doctor's memories of that fateful night on which Holmes had died.

Holmes had wanted Watson to move on, and find happiness elsewhere. It had showed only too clearly in his gaze, along with the rawest apology, right before Holmes had thrown himself and the accursed Professor to their mutual death… and Loki knows that Holmes would have wished as much for him.

Despite all that Loki only feels more desolate, because more than ever Tony reminds Loki of his lost love… but what should have been a happy moment is tainted by the fact that while he has a version of his love back, that person is lost forever, identity and memories ripped away in the cycle of reincarnation… and even if that didn't matter, they can never have a future together.

Loki had effectively killed that option. He still isn't sure why the mortal isn't in armor, at least, with him so close.

Forcing himself to nod, Loki remains in silence, long enough for Tony to finish repairing this piece of his armor, before rising to leave.

He'd forgotten how fast Holmes had been on his feet – something that also apparently is true in this life – when Tony's suddenly standing next to him, left hand wrapped around Loki's wrist, his right planted on the wall, barring Loki's progress, and the gesture strikes Loki to the very core of his shattered heart because Holmes had been the only mortal to ever knowingly block the path of one so much stronger than himself, trusting Loki – with all his flaws that Holmes knew only too well – not to hurt him, and despite everything, Tony seems to have elected to do the same.

In this moment, as he twists to look at the mortal who is standing close enough that he can feel the warmth of his body crossing the small space between them and seeping into Loki's comparatively cooler form, he is overwhelmed again by the similarities and filled with the irrational urge to close that distance, unable to help wondering if he'd taste the same in this life – probably not, Tony doesn't smoke – or if he'd feel the same – again probably not, since Holmes had no experience in this and Tony's had plenty, despite the fact that in both lives he's always been for the most part bitterly isolated.

Tony breaks the silence, voice still open, but filled with curiosity once more rather than emotion:

"How does this relate to me?"

Loki shakes his head, at some level hoping that his unwillingness to answer will be taken as dismissal of the possibility – because they can never make this work – but it is a failed attempt, no surprise really with who the mortal was.

"I know it does", the mortal insists, looking away in thought before pinning Loki again with that all-seeing gaze he had loved so dearly.

"The moment you decided to save my life, it was because you realized something… something which makes me remind you of him, and that has only become more prevalent. More and more often you look at me like you are seeing someone else who isn't all there, for all that you wish they were, and it's him… I know it."

Loki closes his eyes, fighting back the need to let it all out and allow the pieces to fall where they will, then he sighs realizing that his reaction would have been telling enough for Holmes, and Tony's not far behind on his deductive skills, despite the fact he hasn't made a profession out of their application.

"Ah, so I'm right. But what is the connection, Loki? Is it heredity through some relation of his? Appearances? The way our minds work? What is it?"

"_You are him"_, Loki thinks, desperate at some level to reply with the truth which Tony will never reach alone – even Holmes wouldn't have guessed reincarnation – just as at some level he wants to crush his lips to those of the mortal, fingers tangling in those shorter now but so familiar locks, and let his actions make at least his present feelings clear, because even if the result is rejection, it can only get more painful in time.

In the end he does neither – how can he when he'd tried to brutally kill the very mortal he'd loved and failed and mourned, the mortal he'd made himself almost forget because it hurt too much to remember - instead raising his free hand to ghost along the side of Tony's face, never actually making contact as he whispers:

"You'd never believe me."

With those words, Loki wrenches himself away, careful only not to hurt the mortal whose answering challenge follows him out the door:

"Try me."

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End file.
